Nina In New York: New Hires Are Getting Even Younger (And Droolier)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

In case you missed it: Netflix, those wonderful folks who turned you into a drooling, glazed over binge-watcher, recently announced a maternity/paternity policy to beat all the rest. It's unlimited. For the first year of their baby's life, Netflix-employed moms and dads can take as much time off as they wish. It doesn't have to be all at once and it is entirely paid. Not bad for a company that has managed to virtually recreate the long lost experience of endlessly wandering around a Blockbuster video for half the night, only to wind up with a King Size box of Twizzlers and a copy of Ernest Goes to Jail. Take that, Scandinavia.

Not to be outdone, the state of Washington has gone one better. Or is it twelve worse? Some state employees are now part of a pilot program which offers new parents the option of bringing their young infants to work with them. From six weeks (when many mothers must end their maternity leave) until six months or until they are able to crawl around and ingest errant paperclips and/or electrify themselves, tots are invited to accompany their mothers, fathers, or other legal guardians to the office. So far so good, amazingly. Workers are reportedly quite happy with the arrangement, and no one has even had to ask a parent to take the baby home.

I am sorry if I'm not getting this, but I'm just not getting this. Aren't babies, like, super mercurial and hard work and brain-draining and time-consuming? I'm not sure I've finished a complete thought, let alone a complex sentence since

Perhaps it's just that the only people brave enough to try this were the ones who happened to have compliant newborns. Not, for instance, the kinds that would only nap in an elaborate, massive electronic swinging contraption and spent an hour and a half nursing and would scream their heads off from the hours of 3pm to 7pm for absolutely no discernible reason. Or—and I'm just thinking out loud here—the kinds who simultaneously projectile vomit and poop-splode up to their necks and require four outfit changes in a day. You know, hypothetically speaking. What I'm saying is, this just can't possibly work for everyone.

I do think it's commendable that Washington is trying to think creatively and progressively when it comes to parent-infant bonding and the priority of family life. We're slowly, slooooowly moving in the right direction. But taking your baby to the office three days a week still means that two days of childcare are required, and I just don't believe that everyone can be so lucky as to have children who aren't totally NSFW all five days in a workweek. This is just another workaround—albeit an admirable one—for doing what we ought to do with our national attitude and federal policies regarding parental leave. Wouldn't all of this just be easier if new parents could simply take the time off they really require to properly care for and bond with their new offspring?

The answer you're looking for is yes.

In the meantime, I suppose we'll settle for having infants as officemates. They're terrible at answering the phones, collating, making coffee, building Powerpoint decks, and photocopying, but there is no better way to wile away a morning when you don't want to face your to-do list. Gchat, you have met your match.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!