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Nina In New York: Hello, Barbie. You Are Terrifying.

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Last week, my daughter and I were over at a friend's house playing with her two girls, one of whom is older. My 2-year-old suddenly came running over to me with a look of horror and disgust on her face, gripping something plastic and pink in her tiny, white-knuckled fist.

"I DON'T LIKE THIS DOLLY!" she declared urgently, pressing a Barbie doll into my leg so I could relieve her of it.

I laughed and put it back and told her simply not to play with it if she didn't like it. The Barbie remained in the penalty box for the remainder of the play date, quietly accepting of her exile. You know, because she's a toy. Who can't talk or feel or respond to stimuli.

Until now.

In case you missed it, Mattel is soon rolling out its brand new, game-changing addition to the Barbie collection: Hello Barbie, an artificially intelligent new playmate coming to a store near you. And coming to a Christmas list near you. Then it'll be coming to a child's toy box near you. Then to a dark corner of a room in which you're quietly reading, near you. And—watch out!—a couch near you. And closer. Slowly, slowly closer.

Don't make any sudden moves.

No, it isn't really like that. Hello Barbie is pre-programmed with thousands of lines of carefully crafted script read by a professional actress, and the technology which powers allow her to select the most appropriate one in response to your child, making it seem as though they are engaged in genuine conversation. You know, sort of like how the Terminator did in T2? Barbie will also be programmed to play verbal games and recall certain important facts your child supplies to her, and to use those facts to prompt a chat session or just generally make her seem like a more sympathetic friend and better listener. She's prepared to delve into all the tough stuff with your kid: God, bullies, insecurities regarding physical appearance. You know, all the topics you used to wish you could discuss with your childhood Barbie doll if she weren't just a dumb piece of plastic with hair dressed as an 80s club kid.

According to the Times article, it seems as though the people behind the doll have taken great pains to create a character who will be a positive influence on young girls, stressing the importance of being smart and talented aside from just pretty (like Barbie herself). More good news: to accommodate her battery packs, Barbie's thighs have been widened ever so slightly. Girl, I feel you. I must be accommodating fifty battery packs in each of my legs, if you know what I mean. Welcome to the real world, honey.

The creep factor feels awfully high here, and I'm a little concerned at where the advances will take our blonde friend in a few years when my kid isn't horrified by a regular, old, analog Barbie. By then, will she be originating thoughts and conceiving her own opinions? Will she be able to give sophisticated responses to the questions posed by your child? Will she be capable of formulating complex plans to indoctrinate her young owner into doing her bidding and listening to her voice as an authority above and beyond that of her parents? Somehow, when I consider the idea of an artificially intelligent toy, it's impossible not to end up down the "Twilight Zone Evil Dolly" mental path.

I think that for now, I'll just nurture my child's healthy fear of Barbie and hope that we can wait to introduce her into our home until she's been thoroughly vetted.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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