NEW YORK, N.Y. (CBSNewYork) — Fallen NYPD officer Randolph Holder had big plans to marry his high school sweetheart Mary Muhammad.

Muhammad said she will never forget the pain she felt after learning her fiance and love of her life, Holder, had been gunned down on the job.

“It was the worst feeling ever,” Muhammad said as she broke into tears. “We think that okay, they leave and they’re going to come home. “…Just like, Tuesday, you know, he left he said I love you, I’ll see you later and he never came back. And he’s never going to come back.”

Every day since Holder’s death has been a heartbreaking struggle, Muhammad said. But she has found comfort in the constant support of friends and family. Muhammad said she tries not to harbor anger over the circumstances of her loss and is chose not to discuss the career criminal Tyrone Howard, who gunned down Holder in East Harlem Tuesday night.

PHOTOS: NYPD Officer Killed In East Harlem

“I don’t really want to dwell on that,” Muhammad told CBS2’s Hazel Sanchez. “I’m trying to kind of move away from the negative and just, you know, stare into the positive.”

Muhammad said she is determined to make sure Officer Holder did not die in vain.

Muhammad now hopes to launch a foundation in Officer Holder’s name, to raise funding to send unused police equipment to the police department of Holder’s home country in Guyana.

Muhammad said she finds herself waiting for Holder to return to their Mill Basin home they shared with Muhammad’s 12-year-old daughter. They wanted to have children together.

“I just wish that I had more time, but I’m thankful for the time that I did have with him,” Muhammad said. “I will always love him.”

Police divers found a gun in the East River early Sunday morning near where Holder was fatally shot more than four days earlier, authorities said. The investigation is ongoing.