Radio Free Montone: Santa Claus Is A Fat Fraud
By John Montone, 1010 WINS
Santa Claus is a fat fraud who skims off the top of toy profits and has never paid a penny in income taxes. So there. Merry Christmas.
Back during the waning days of summer I interviewed shoppers in the parking lot of a large retailer. My question to them was whether they were ready to begin holiday shopping. I asked that because the chain was rolling out its first Christmas promotion, a pre-Labor Day lay-away on toys and games it guessed would be prominently mentioned on many children's Santa wish list. Most people I interviewed felt the store was pushing the season. One guy, a kindred soul, said he didn't feel the holiday spirit until mid-December. But another fellow was all in. He had enough grand kids for a full court basketball game with cheerleaders. Nothing gave him more pleasure than shopping for them, he told me. Ho, ho ho.
It's not that I worship at the altar of Ebenezer Scrooge. There will come a time when I feel festive. When I will pick out an over-priced douglas fir for the living room and trim the tree with my family while trying to ignore the mostly horrible songs people insist on playing during the Yuletide season. I have even started a holiday tradition of collecting tacky ornaments to hang; a bucket of beer adorned in holly, Santa wearing sunglasses and a Speedo, a Christmas ball bagel and my favorite…a glitzy sequined-attired mermaid who has replaced the traditional angel on our tree top.
My wife, the ageless beauty Mary Montone, says I am a very generous and thoughtful gift-giver. And I love to labor in the kitchen cooking up the Feast of the Seven Fishes on Christmas Eve. When I raise a glass of wine and say, "Merry Christmas," to the people I love, I mean it.
But don't tell me, "It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas." Because that's pure fiction. And no amount of candy canes in the aisles of CVS or tacky gold Christmas trees outside shopping centrs will make it true. The holiday season does not begin until I push away my last plate of turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce. It does not begin until the final whistle blows an end to the final football game on Thanksgiving night. It does not begin just because some stores open their doors on that sacred day and ruin what should be a special, restful time for families to gather without expectations of piles of presents.
Just ask Andy. He's on my side. Andy has a food truck in Manhattan. And on the shelf next to the serving window sits a teddy bear. For the next couple of weeks that teddy bear will be wearing a turkey mask. Because Andy loves the great American tradition of Thanksgiving. And the holiday season should not, must not begin until after we have properly celebrated Thanksgiving.
After that, go shop till you drop and listen to, "Baby, It's Cold Outside," five hundred times for all I care. But until then, Santa is a miserly con man making billions off the backs of his elves. Oh yeah, the elves could tell you a thing or two about Chris Cringle.
