Radio Free Montone: Cashiers, Coupons And A Cautionary Christmas Tale
By John Montone, 1010 WINS
Beware, shoppers!
That 50 percent you think you saved on a designer handbag. That $20 off on the milk frother. A Calvin Klein sports jacket for a fraction of the original price. Those bargains may be holiday illusions.
For at a certain large department store a cashier gleefully…yes, with great joy and anticipation of our reaction waved her arms wildly as if to say, "No freaking way can you use that coupon on that item."
What she did actually say to the ageless beauty, Mary Montone and I, was, "Read the small print. The coupon is no good on electronics."
Small print dear underemployed register jockey. The print on the backside of the coupon is minute, almost invisible. Where as the front of the coupon screams out, 30 percent off.
Leaving the electronic item in the hands of the smug, smiling cashier we headed for the clothing department where with swiftness and determination Mary zeroed in on two button down shirts. Whipping out my reading glasses I squinted and read the backs of her coupons finding no restrictions on the purchase of clothing.
We immediately got in the checkout line behind two women who were in the midst of an ugly spat with a frenzied, prematurely balding fellow who was desperately trying to summon a manager on the phone while attempting to scan multiple items. Both customers were holding a handful of coupons, arguing with the harried checkout fellow that the papers with the crooked numbers on the front were legitimate currency, entitling them to big savings…as advertised.
In time the manager showed up and tried to calm the waters by running the scanner over each and every coupon which by my unofficial calculation meant this transaction would take longer than it took this clothing to be sewn and dyed in a Chinese factory.
Finally, he shrugged. "I'm sorry," he said, "These (shirts, sweaters, gloves and boxer shorts) are already at our lowest sale price." The ladies left in a huff, littering the checkout counter with their merchandise.
The manager managed a weak smile and said to me, "This has been going on for weeks. All they do is complain about the coupons."
And because I felt the need to say something, anything, I said, "That's why God invented Amazon."
Then I heard Mary say in that about-to-get irritated tone I have come to know so well, "But I have store points on my card," throwing the prematurely balding cashier into another tizzy. So I hurried off, unwilling to witness even more Yuletide turmoil.
I can't wait for those return lines on December 26th.
