Nina In New York: All I Want For Christmas (And You Can, Too)
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
The day of reckoning is upon us! As of tomorrow night, Santa's lists will have been completed, gifts loaded onto the sleigh, our fates sealed for this calendar year. I know he doesn't really exist, of course. But in this Jewish girl's attempt to bring the myth to life for my interfaith daughter, I've gotten sort of into it. I find myself asking questions of Christian friends and family on minutiae they've never given much consideration. How do we explain gifts from family members? Does Santa have his own wrapping paper that isn't shared with the other boxes under the tree? Do kids really not have to say thank you to anyone other than a fictional fat man who they can't ever see? Why doesn't Santa bring presents to less fortunate children, to whom we have been donating gifts? My kid is two, so I don't necessarily expect the same level of scrutiny from her at this point, but I feel I must be prepared for anything. All holes must be plugged, all i's and t's dotted and crossed. A fully fleshed out story and great attention to detail are required for this to be believable. And remember: it isn't a lie if you believe it. So, in that spirit, and since I know the big guy has already heard from my child, I've compiled a little Christmas list of my own. You know, just in case. It's in no particular order. Feel free to crib from it for your own. If nothing else, it's a cathartic exercise.
- To complete a meal unperturbed in more than 20 minutes.
- For our country's leaders to make it so that suspected terrorists can't legally purchase guns. I know, I know. This is very crazy.
- To find that teeny, tiny can of juice from the new dollhouse set that's been missing since the day we opened the box. I will not find peace until this happens.
- Thirty minutes of solitary time alone with the dollhouse set. Oh, the scenes I could set. The outfits I could change! The rabbit family will have the greatest day of their imaginary lives.
- For the world to be altered in some significant way that would allow me to stop staying up nights worrying about kids bullying and sexting each other all the time. And by significant, I mean positive. Like, having no cell phones post-apocalypse doesn't count. Nice try, though, Santa.
- For half-eaten bowls of Kraft mac and cheese to contain zero calories in real life.
- To figure out what trap music is.
- A Bloody Mary. But a really good one.
- One guaranteed hangover-free day a year.
- Peace on Earth. Except, seriously this time. I know people have been saying this forever, and we've only been getting further and further from the goal. Only in 2015, this wish feels increasingly more urgent. And at the very least, until it is granted, I wish not to have to hear about garbage like this. Once peace has been achieved and human suffering curtailed, then bring on the campus sushi activists.
- A robot butler.
- And a robot maid. They can be a couple!! Aaw.
- For my child to put on her shoes and coat without a daily nuclear incident.
- One guaranteed day a year when I can eat whatever I want in whatever quantity with no repercussions of any kind, including social. Come on! It's just one day. I won't even tell anyone, because then I know it would become a whole thing.
- Health and happiness for all my family and friends. Obviously. I already said this is in no particular order.
Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, and have a safe and happy New Year!
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
