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Nina In New York: Resolutions For An Average New Year!

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Oh, bother. Stuff and nonsense. Poppycock and circumstance. It's resolution time.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: New Year's resolutions rub me the wrong way. While I can understand the desire to start out a new year with a clean slate and to use the calendar as a catalyst for change, it just never works out well. Instead of going for small, achievable goals, people tend to see January as the month during which they must attempt to force themselves to make a series of sweeping, wholesale declarations that would effectively turn them into entirely different people.

Spoiler alert: everyone winds up the same old person, except now with 50 percent more shame, regret, and bitter disappointment! I'm out.

I prefer to make my sweeping, impossible declarations at meaningless points throughout the year, like when seasons change or on my half-birthday. Bitter disappointment goes down better when you're made to suffer alone. Then again, it's difficult to resist the resounding siren call of the collective striving that's happening everywhere around me right now. So in the spirit of the new year and of being a joiner, I'll contribute to the group with my version of a list of resolutions. But I'll be darned if I'm not going to succeed.

  1. Sign up for DVR. The BachelorFargoThe Good WifeReal Housewives of Yadda Yadda. Life has gone downhill since I was forced to dispose of my VCR, and I refuse to be left in the dust any longer. Do you even know how long it's been since I was able to sincerely keep up with the Kardashians? On the dawn of 2016, I'm ready to catch up with 2007.
  2. Bake more often. Contribute to charm factor during child's formative years, mask dog smell in my living room with melted chocolate, reap rewards. Win-win-win.
  3. Get a landline telephone. This is seemingly in direct opposition to resolution No. 1, but I've felt untethered for roughly 15 years and I can't stand it. One hurdle is figuring out what "landline" actually means in the age of driverless cars, but I'm confident I can make this happen.
  4. Eat more cheese. This is one of those items you put on a list just so you have something to check off right away. Morale-booster.
  5. Return all those Zappos boxes. This task has been put off for so long that it's been upgraded from chore to resolution.
  6. Potty train child. I was going to have to tackle this regardless, so I may as well put it on the list and kill two birds with one toilet bowl.
  7. Read more books. Us Weekly doesn't count.
  8. Read less devastatingly terrifying, anxiety-provoking news items. One of these days, I'm actually going to need to get some sleep.
  9. Institute a 10:30 p.m. online shopping curfew. The other day, I placed an entire Amazon order when I was half-asleep at 1:00am. I then attempted to recreate the order and re-place it the next day, as I had no memory of having already done it. This is getting dangerous.
  10. Read that book about the magical art of tidying up and cleaning everything and living without excess. Note that I do not specify whether or not I expect myself to follow any of the advice found therein. I mean, I hope I do, but remember: we're aiming low here.
  11. Hide/donate all the children's books I can't bear to read even one more time. Pinkalicious and all your derivative works: I'm looking at you. 2016 is the year you meet the public library.

I think I can, I think I can.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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