Nina In New York: We Are The Champions Of The Germs

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

A new study out of the UK has found that being a parent does more to boost one's immune system than actual exposure to the flu or flu vaccine. To me and those of my phlegmy ilk, this makes total sense.

Here is what cold and flu season means to most people who don't have young children in their home: one, maybe two viral battles with which to contend, depending on how neurotic you are about touching objects in the subway. Endure, medicate, take a couple of days off to get proper rest and hydration. Live to tell the tale and continue on to spring and summer in good health, food poisoning and hangovers notwithstanding.

Here is what it means to parents of little ones: your preschooler gets a cold. No wait, it's a bronchial thing. Oh, hang on, now it's a double ear infection. You Purell and wash your hands and breathe out the window and pound vitamin C, but there is no escaping the consequences of being used as a human tissue when you've slept a collective 10 hours over the course of four days. Naturally, you soon fall ill with some hideous version of your child's virus which manifests itself 10 times more intensely in an adult body. Thankfully, your kid is on the mend. But then, oh no. Is the baby puking? Is your husband puking? Is your toddler puking? Don't puke. Don't puke. Don't . . . ah, crap. Oh yeah, speaking of which, that too. After a few days, it's cycled through your house and everyone seems to be improving. Wait. Who just coughed? Is that a residual thing, or is he sick again? Hang on, his nose is running. Is it clear or green? It's like a translucent puce. What does it mean?! No one in your household has slept a full night in what feels like months. You've taken to narcoleptic fits in the middle of doing the dishes. Your living room smells like an ear. Your couch will likely need to be fumigated and then set on fire when this is all over. You've watched every episode of Sofia the First. Thrice. You have forgotten your name, your occupation, and the month. You've seen things come out of places you didn't know could even expel matter. You knew you shouldn't have let him go to that bounce house birthday party. It had a ball pit, for pete's sake. They may as well call it a pathogen pit or the pit of certain doom and future human suffering. Damn you, little Jaxon! Who asked you to turn four in November? Who? Who!

All of this is to say what many of us have long suspected: raising children is the greatest, most punishing assault on a person's immune mechanism than any single illness could present. As such, it is also the greatest opportunity for said immune mechanism to fight, overcome and return better and stronger than ever before. At least, that sure sounds nice. It sounds like hope. It sounds like a light at the end of this filthy, sweaty tunnel. It sounds like . . .

WHO. JUST. SNEEZED?

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!