Nina In New York: A Tale Of Two Studies
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
I've long been of the opinion that out of the many, many, countless scientific studies conducted around the globe over the course of the year, maybe five or ten percent are of genuine utility. When the subject of the studies is parenting and child behavior, that percentage sinks even lower. My methodology is perhaps unconventional in that it's completely unfounded and inexplicable, but still. I feel pretty good about my numbers.
For instance: here comes a study out of the Netherlands that declares that fussy eating in children, which can apparently lead to all sorts of gastrointestinal issues and general health concerns, is found to occur more often in kids whose parents suffer from depression and anxiety. Well, thanks a lot, you Dutchbags. I'm sure all the mothers and fathers out there who are obsessively attempting to cajole their stubborn toddlers into eating something other than french fries and plain toast will be grateful for the suggestion that it's probably their fault that their kids will soon come down with scurvy. And now that they know their children may be malnourished because of the mental illness with which they struggle daily, they can just stop it! Cut it out, you silly idiots. This important finding will be enlightening for the many parents who assumed their clinical depression and anxiety were beneficial for their children's development and well-being, and who therefore made no attempt to treat or conceal their ailments from the tender babes whom they love more than anything in the world.
The more you know, huh?
On the other hand, those aforementioned negligent, selfish parents should take heart: another study has recently surfaced which links chocolate consumption with increased brain function. Researchers in Maine tested a thousand adults and discovered that those who consumed more of that sweet, sweet, delicious cacao scored higher on a host of mental acuity tests. They've yet to figure out the precise relationship, nor do they know exactly how much chocolate would need to be eaten and how often in order to see results. But facts is facts: even if your child doesn't know what a vegetable is, her two-pack-a-day M&M habit may still be her saving grace. So go ahead, justify that lunchtime Snickers bar or chocolate milkshake as containing valuable nutritive properties for your finicky toddler. It most certainly is "better than nothing."
Science taketh away, and science giveth. It's the circle of life. Or the cycle of pointless, often contradictory, always confusing research studies. Either way, I give up. I need to recharge. Fetch me my brain medicine. And by brain medicine, I obviously mean the bottomless bucket of leftover Halloween, Christmas and Valentine's Day candy, please.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
