Nina In New York: Daylight Saving Time Revealed Simply To Be Massive Jerk In Exclusive Interview

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

It is done. We've sprung forward yet again, victims for another year of an incomprehensible, institutionalized system of torment. We've all got questions, I know. I'm positively filled with them. So I thought that this time around, it might be helpful and fun to go directly to the source. I sat down for an exclusive phone call with Daylight Saving Time itself last week in the hopes of finding some much-needed answers.

Nina In New York: So. I suppose you're aware of how infamous you've become. I think the question on all of our minds is: why do you do this year after year?

Daylight Saving Time: Absolutely, Nina. Absolutely. I'm sorry people feel negatively towards me, I really am. That question, while it seems simple, is really very complicated. But I suppose if I were to take decades of history and obsolete reasoning and boil them down into a few words, I'd say: I dunno. Just 'cause, I guess? Like, why not?

NIN: Well, that's pretty disappointing. Don't you suppose people deserve a better explanation for all the havoc you wreak?

DST: Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all. Kids waking up at 5AM, which is really like 4AM, and then refusing to go to sleep at a reasonable hour because they're so exhausted and confused by the time change and the sun suddenly still being up at bedtime. And honestly, that just sounds awful. I sure am glad I don't have kids. Ha ha! Man, that seems terrible.

NIN: Yeah, that's nice for you. But I feel like we're getting off track—

DST: Sure is nice! I mean this crap doesn't matter if you can just sleep for that extra hour you "lose." But, let me ask you a question: who says it was your hour to lose, anyway? Does time belong to anyone, really?

NIN: Well. No, but we need it! And we had it. It is ours, at least some months out of the year. And how can you just mess around with us like that? It's like we have to spend a week being jet-lagged when we didn't even get to go anywhere!

DST: Totally, totally. Jet-lag. Good pizza. I mean point. Ha! [chewing noises]

NIN: I'm sorry—are you eating right now? Is there any way you could hold off for another five minutes? It's sort of loud on my end.

DST: Nah, I don't think so. Manipulating the fabric of time is hungry work. You wouldn't understand.

NIN: Let's focus on that. You just admitted to manipulating the fabric of time. Why? And what! We just want to understand.

DST: Sorry, it's like I kind of don't know? Or whatever? I just am, you get it? Anyway. How much do they pay you for this?

NIN: I'm just. So. Tired. And now it's dark in the morning when our kids are awake, which is like. Uuuuh. Y'know?

DST: [long pause] I'm gonna level with you. I didn't listen to a word you just said.

NIN: JUST TELL US WHY!! PLEASE GIVE A PURPOSE TO OUR PAIN!

DST: Hahahaha! Oh sorry, my friend just sent me a video of a dog chasing his own fart. Sh**, dogs are, like, hilarious, man. Don't you think dogs are hilarious?

NIN: ...

DST: Okay, fine. You want to know why?

NIN: Please. Please.

DST: Because your mom.

NIN: Uh huh. I see. Final question: what are the odds we can get you to just go away forever?

DST: About the same as the odds that your mom won't be having breakfast with me tomorrow morning.

NIN: Awesome. Thanks. This has been illuminating.

DST: Oh wait, before you go—do you happen to know what time it is?

NIN: I . . . ?

DST: Time to wake the eff up! Your kids are crying! Bahahahaha. Sorry. Little shop humor. Cant resist. Peace out, sleep tight.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!