CBS Local Sports
So Thanksgiving has come and gone, and if you did it right, you’ve been glued to your couch ever since dinner ended, have taken more naps than a newborn baby and the thought of moving at any point in the near future is just preposterous.READ MORE: Israel Vows To Increase Gaza Strikes Until There Is 'Total, Long-Term Quiet' Amid Barrage Of Palestinian Rocket Fire
But wait … it’s Black Friday!
There’s shopping to be done and deals to be had, and you have to take advantage!
Fortunately, you’re special — or won some kind of a prize or something — and you’ve been given the ability to enlist seven athletes to do your Black Friday shopping for you.
Some of these athletes are big, some are fast, and one is extremely tall; but they all serve a unique purpose and will help you get exactly what you’re looking for. It was hard to limit this to just seven athletes, and it’s certainly open for debate; but here is our list of the seven athletes we would want to do our Black Friday shopping:
Rob Gronkowski – This one was a given. Gronk recently shared that he learned how to cook a turkey so why not sign him up for a two-for-one? Cook the turkey Thursday and then go shopping Friday. Something tells me Gronk would do his most damage in the middle aisles. I just hope he saves the spikes for Sundays and doesn’t get too excited once he reaches the register.
DeSean Jackson – As Gronk works the middle aisles, I need some speed on the outside. Just as D-Jax has never run a route inside the hashes on the football field, I doubt he’s ever ventured into the middle aisles of a store. But this one-trick pony can at the very least run clear-out routes that will grab the attention of other shoppers, security guards and surveillance cameras.READ MORE: NYPD Investigating Slashing, Assault At Times Square Subway Station
Earl Campbell – I’m talking about late ’70s/early ’80s Earl Campbell, and he has to wear that Oiler Columbia blue. Before there was Marshawn Lynch, Mike Alstott or Jerome Bettis, Campbell was the NFL’s premier power back. To put it bluntly, if Campbell wants to go somewhere, there is nobody that can stop him. That one must-own item that you need to get your hands on? Send for Earl.
Walter Tavares – Who? The name likely only rings a bell to the most die-hard of basketball fans, but the D-League center has something that no other NBA player has ever had: a standing reach of 9 feet, 10 inches!!! In other words he can reach the rim when standing on his tippy-toes. Don’t you think he would come in handy when grabbing those top, top, top shelf items? Plus, he’s not getting much playing time right now, so he should definitely be available.
Conor McGregor – While most shoppers are looking to just save a few bucks and get along amicably with their fellow man on Black Friday, occasionally there’s some drama. In that case, we need somebody who won’t be afraid of a confrontation and can back up his words in said confrontation with some fisticuffs if things should escalate.
On top of that, what if there’s only one copy of “Madden ’17” left on a shelf? Think there’s any chance McGregor isn’t walking out of that store with it?
That’s what I thought.
Jimmie Johnson – Speaking of speed, they come no faster than the newly crowned Sprint Cup Series champion. It almost goes without saying, but I would have Jimmie circle the store counter-clockwise over, and over, and over and over again. Even if he gets tripped up, we’ve already seen his resiliency and ability to bounce back.
Mary Jepkosgei Keitany – Oh yeah, I went there. Black Friday shopping isn’t a sprint (sorry, Usain). This is a marathon, so why not pick one of the greatest long-distance runners ever? Just a few weeks ago, Keitany won her third New York City Marathon. She also has won two London Marathons, and anyone who can keep that kind of pace for two-plus hours will certainly come in handy during the later hours of Black Friday.MORE NEWS: 'This Is Not Just Any Usual Recovery': Economist Explains Rash Of Price Hikes, Product Shortages
So, that’s our list of the athletes we would want to do our Black Friday shopping. Who’s on your list?