Tomboy-Turned-Super Assassin Expected To Make Immediate Impact As New York Attempts To Shift Balance Of Power In AFC East


The following is a fictitious story based on an actual tweet by the New York Jets’ official Twitter account on Monday morning. If you have not seen the latest episode of “Game of Thrones,” this contains spoilers and you should leave this page immediately.

NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — Any deficiencies the Jets have were addressed Monday morning, and then some.

In a move that will undoubtedly cool the reported hot seat general manager Mike Maccagnan was sitting on entering the offseason, the Jets signed undrafted free agent Arya Stark not long after she vanquished the Night King on Episode 3 of the eighth and final season of “Game of Thrones.”

Odds are, the cunning 18-year-old will be used on both sides of the ball, primarily as a protector of supposed franchise savior Sam Darnold and as the edge threat on defense that the team has lacked for years.

“This could be a game-changer for the Jets,” one well-placed team raven told CBSNewYork.com. “Tom Brady may want to consider stepping away from the game now while he still has his health.”

The raven asked not to be identified because, frankly, it was a bit concerned it would make Stark’s list.

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A native of Winterfell, the capital of the northern-most province of the Seven Kingdoms, Stark rose to prominence as a member of the Faceless Men, a guild of assassins based in the Free City of Braavos. Their reputation proceeds them as they tend to command exorbitant fees, but have an overwhelming track record of success.

While terms of Stark’s deal with the Jets were not immediately known, it can be assumed they ponied up, considering the fact that they have not made the playoffs since the 2010 season and are in the midst of a massive rebuild after going 14-34 over the previous three seasons.

“It’ll be interesting to see how [new head coach] Adam Gase uses Stark,” the raven said. “She has proven she can wear many hats and has a knack for successfully dealing with anyone who underestimates her.”

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Among her career highlights, Stark has rid the Seven Kingdoms of some of its most unsavory characters, recording at least one memorable kill in each of the last eight seasons and an estimated 65 over the course of the hit HBO show. In addition to knocking off the Night King, a move that will almost certainly position the power brokers in Winterfell well in the final battle for the Iron Throne, Stark showed exemplary skill in the dispatching of Rorge, Ser Meryn Trant, The Waif, Lord Walder Frey, every male member of House Frey, and Petyr “Little Finger” Baelish.

It is unknown at this time if Stark will attend the Jets’ OTA workouts from May 21-23 and 28-30, but she is expected to be at mandatory minicamp starting on June 3.

According to team sources, the Jets are also in the market for a center and have reached out to the representatives of Tormund Giantsbane, who was last seen representing the Free Folk admirably at the “Battle of Winterfell.”