By Jesse Carrajat
» More Columns
WFANtasy Disclaimer: The author of this column is in no way an officially recognized sports critic, nor is he sanctioned by any authoritative committee to review, rank, and reward the effort and accomplishments of professional athletes. Therefore, the opinions and assertions contained herein are expressly those of the author, and are not to be construed as representative of WFAN, or CBS at large. For this reason, we reckon ya’ll take caution, ya hear?
You know that tilted-head, perplexed, somewhat concerned look that your cat gives a running vacuum as it stares downward from the highest vantage point in the room? You know how just moments afterwards, despite having just endured seven minutes of impending doom, when the cleaning is over that cat will resort right back to its daily routine, perfectly content, with no intention of investigating who or what was operating the noisy UFO that was just ransacking their living space? That is the same exact reaction I had the first through fifth times I was exposed to a commercial for Wednesday’s Country Music Awards while watching football this past Sunday. Train of thought: “What? What is this?” to “I’M GONNA DIE!!!” to “Nope, calm down. I’m OK” to “Anyway, where was I?” In the same way the concepts of “technology”, “cleaning”, and “acknowledging self-existence” are beyond the grasp of a feline, the existence of slide-guitars, irritable accents, and talentless musicians is frightening and mystifying to me. Yet, while enduring the CMA commercials last Sunday, amidst all of the mystery, one fact became abundantly clear: people LOVE awards. They love to cheer for the triumph, to hate on success, and to debate the outcome of it all. If an awards show could exist that hands out statues for nauseating combinations of sounds (i.e. country music), then why can’t I create my own awards for fantasy football?
I can, and gee-golly I will. Welcome, fantasy aficionados, to the “2010 Fantasy Awards.” Before we get started, please take a moment to examine your surroundings. If you are currently browsing from a basement that you do not own, and you have arrived at this column in search for the winners of the recent “2010 World Fantasy Awards”, which recognizes achievement in that fictional genre with dwarves and unicorns, Google has wronged you. Let me help by offering this link.
Now, if you have reached this column in hopes of discovering which of the many fantasy football stars will be honored for their achievements at the quasi-halfway point of the 2010 fantasy football season, then you, my friend, are in the right place. Ladies and gentlemen, the “2010 Quasi-Mid-Season Fantasy Football Awards (the name of these awards have been changed to minimize the likelihood of a malicious computer virus, or wizard-spell, being cast upon the author of this column and his loved ones).” Feel free to love em’, hate em’, and debate em’.
The “Old Dog, New Tricks” Award – Awarded to a veteran player who has reinvented himself as a viable fantasy force despite overwhelming odds and increasing speculation
Nominees: LaDanian Tomlinson – RB-NYJ, Terrell Owens – WR-CIN, Michael Vick – QB-PHI, Thomas Jones – RB-KC, Santana Moss – WR-WAS
And the Quasi-Mid-Season Fantasy Football Award goes to: Michael Vick – QB-PHI. Just how surprising is Mike Vick’s 2010 resurrection? According to fantasycalculator.com, heading into the 2010 fantasy season, the Eagles other QB, Kevin Kolb, was the 8th highest drafted quarterback, immediately after Chargers’ QB Philip Rivers. Vick, on the other hand, was the 31st drafted quarterback on average, and went un-drafted in many fantasy leagues. After a minor injury to then starter Kolb, Vick hasn’t just seized the starting job in Philadelphia, he has done so convincingly. Through week 9, Vick is averaging 23.3 fantasy points per game (fppg), second amongst all quarterbacks only to Rivers (24.2) and Colts’ QB Peyton Manning (23.4). With Vick in the lineup, the Eagles are outscoring their opponents 106 – 66, versus a deficit of 92 – 109 without him, and the Eagles are 3 – 0 in all games Vick has started and finished. Vick is hands down the 2010 “Old-Dog, New Trick” award winner. (Due to court mandated restrictions, Vick is not allowed within 500 yards of the actual award, which is a statue of Droopy – the old friendly cartoon dog).
The “Janet Jackson’s Exposure” Award – This award is bestowed upon the player who has made headlines by suddenly and unexpectedly bursting onto the NFL scene, much like the pop-diva’s legendary exposure during halftime of Super Bowl 38.
Nominees: Hakeem Nicks – WR-NYG, Arian Foster – RB-HOU, Peyton Hillis – RB-CLE, Kyle Orton – QB-DEN, Ryan Fitzpatrick – QB-BUF
And the Quasi-Mid-Season Fantasy Football Award goes to: Arian Foster – RB-HOU. Through week 9, Foster’s 206 total fantasy points is second only to SD’s Philip Rivers, who has 218 and has played one more game than Foster. Foster leads the entire NFL in FPPG, and leads the entire country in TD@ATR (Times Detained at Airport due to Terrorist Resemblance). In all of 2009, Foster scored just 60 total fantasy points, making him a lock for this year’s SI award.
The Henry Rowengartner “Rookie of the Year” Award – Awarded at mid-season to the NFL rookie who has had the most substantial impact on fantasy football, year-to-date.
Nominees: Jahvid Best – RB-DET, Dez Bryant – WR-DAL, Mike Williams – WR-TB, Aaron Hernandez – TE-NE, Sam Bradford – QB-STL
And the Quasi-Mid-Season Fantasy Football Award goes to: Jahvid Best – RB-DET. Not only has Best been the best rookie running back and best back on the best Lion team in better memory, Best has even bested some of the NFL’s best backs best efforts, and is ranked the 8th best RB in fantasy football. Now that that’s out of my system, seriously though, his 133 total fantasy points is…paramount…amongst rookies: he leads all rookies in receptions, rushing touchdowns, and total touches, and is currently 3rd … finest… in rushing yards.
The Charles R. Darwin “Proof of Evolution” Award – Awarded to the player who’s on-the-field antics and off-the-field shenanigans serve as a constant reminder that we all are but one chromosome away from our primitive, uncivilized ancestors.
Nominees: Brett Favre – QB-MIN, Braylon Edwards – WR-NYJ, Randy Moss – WR-NFL, Jared Allen – MIN-DE, Chad Ocho-Cinco – WR-CIN
And the Quasi-Mid-Season Fantasy Football Award goes to: Brett Favre – QB-MIN. If you follow professional football, or even tabloid journalism, you know that Brett Favre has been no stranger to public criticism in the past three years. However, what has really tarnished Brett Favre’s legacy, at least in my mind, is not the accusation that he, a happily married man, allegedly photographed his erogenous zone and sexted it to a girl young enough to be his daughter. I’m not his wife, and that’s not my business. Rather, when the news initially broke, it was the sudden, spontaneous, and uninvited visualization that crept into my mind, and has been haunting me ever since: the un-dressing, the lifting of one leg up onto a stool or something, the switching the camera back to ‘review’ so he could see if the picture “measured up”…I’m getting uncomfortable, and you get the point.
The “Rihanna” Award – Awarded to the individual who rocks the worst hairstyle in the entire NFL (please note that in order to be considered for this award, the person must thoroughly believe that they are a trend-setting, fashion forward, stylish person).
Nominees: Tom Brady – QB-NE, that’s it
And the Quasi-Mid-Season Fantasy Football Award goes to: Tom Brady – QB-NE.
Funny Caption Only a Football Fan Would Get:
Superfluous – [soo-pur-floo-uhs] (adjective) 1. being more than is sufficient or required; unnecessary, redundant. When Jets Coach Rex Ryan used a pillow to make himself appear to be obese, it was superfluous.
Last Week’s “Un-Googleable Trivia” Question
In the movie “Any Given Sunday,” which character informed linebacker Luther “Shark” Lavay, played by former New York Giants great Lawrence Taylor, that QB Willie Beaman was talking smack about the defense, all while in Lavay’s own crib? Oh snap!
Answer: Steamin’ Willie Beaman made the mistake of poppin’ off in front of all-pro running back Julian Peterson, aka LL Cool J, who then immediately went and told the “Shark” Lavay. Quit snitchin!
Week 10 “Un-Googleable Trivia” Question
What current NFL coach’s father is the scout that is responsible for discovering Dallas Cowboys WR Miles Austin?
We here at WFAN know that when asked a trivia question, you’d do exactly what we would: Google it. That is why we have introduced the “Un-Googleable Trivia” question. If you think you know the “Un-Googleable” answer, email it to JCarrajat@wfan.com. The first respondent to answer correctly will get to compete against me in next week’s column.