Nina In New York: The Tale Of Pizza, Congress And Vegetables
A young professional's take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
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By Nina Pajak
Santa got my letter. It read:
Dear Santa,
Why can't vegetables be more like pizza?
Love,
Nina
Then he was like, "Wait a minute. This kid isn't a kid at all. And what's more, she's Jewish! Not to mention there isn't even a request in here. Oy, gevalt what a shlemiel."
So he folded my letter back up, stuck it in an interoffice envelope, and sent it down to his pals in Congress, who are generally much more receptive to even the silliest, worst and most incoherent demands that make their way to the North Pole.
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They loved it. Of course, they had some problem solving to do, for it's very difficult to make vegetables more like pizza. But instead they thought, "hey! What if pizza WAS a vegetable? Then vegetables would be exactly like pizza, because they'd both be the same thing. Which is pizza. Which, incidentally, is very inexpensive compared to regular vegetables, which aren't even remotely like pizza."
They thought it was great timing, because they were in the midst of being very angry, stomping around and grumbling and huffing and puffing about Capitol Hill, because mean old man Obama was trying to make school lunches healthier.
"Who does he think he is?" they harumphed. "Kids don't need Big Government to tell them what to eat! If kids DON'T like green beans and they DO like pizza, well, they're independent citizens who are quite capable of making such decisions for themselves. And if a kid is too stupid to eat nothing but pizza and french fries just because that's what they're given every day . . . well. Those kids deserve what they get. Heck, we all have type II diabetes, and you don't see us complaining!"
"And furthermore, what's 'healthy,' anyway?" they galumphed. "Who is the President to say pizza isn't it? Why, it has that red stuff on it—what's that stuff again? That pasty tomatoey stuff. That's almost like tomatoes, which are definitely vegetables. Unless they're fruit. Hey, intern! Is a tomato a vegetable or a fruit? Run! Run! This is of National Importance."
So the interns ran around in little circles, and the Congressmen and women paced and chewed on the ends of their cigars quite anxiously, and there was much conferring and murmuring and hubbub and rutabega until the wee hours of the morning, when they came to a decision.
The loudest and girthiest among them, Representative Weaselman, wiped his brow, straightened his tie, and stood up to address his bedraggled countrymen.
"My fellow Americans," he began, quite grandly. "Tomatoes are a vegetable!"
"Here here! Here here!"
"Tomato paste . . . is derived from tomatoes."
"Indeed!"
"Pizza . . . contains tomato paste!" Here, he paused for dramatic effect. The excited rumbling from the crowd below him began to intensify and grow louder and louder. He let the noise swell for a few more crucial seconds, and when they were at the point of erupting he yelled,
"Ergo . . . PIZZA . . . IS . . . A VEGETABLE!"
"Hurray!" the Congressmen and women cheered. "Huzzah! We've done it!"
"Hooray," cried the salt industry lobbyists.
"Hooray!" cried the makers of frozen pizzas.
"Three cheers!" called the potato industry representatives.
"Wahoo!" said I, because I am tired of cheating on my diet. "Now I can eat pizza, and because the government has told me it's healthy, I won't get fat! Good thing we didn't let the government tell us what's healthy, or I'd still be stuck eating a stupid old salad with REAL tomatoes in it."
"That's so stupid," everybody laughed.
"I know!" I said.
The end.
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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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