A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.
By Nina Pajak
Yes, a crutch fight. It went down. And some enterprising
bystander spectator was there to capture it all on camera and upload it to YouTube (of course).
The scene takes place outside the Office Depot in Times Square, which, as everyone knows, is a hotbed of hostility and random weaponized medical equipment violence.
In this corner, an overweight tourist of dubious judgement.
And in the other corner, a wiry homeless man on crutches for equally dubious reasons.
We’ll have a clean fight, no biting, no hitting below the belt, no mama smacktalk. No, wait. Scratch all that. Just go with your gut.
Lllllllet’s get ready to CRUTCH FIIIIGHT. Ding!
After some inaudible trash-talking the content of which is (and will likely remain) unknown, the tourist throws a punch even though the homeless man has preemptively begun brandishing his crutch as a weapon. Mayhem erupts! A third party attempts to intercede and is quickly tossed aside as the homeless man swings the crutch maniacally.
The tourist tries to block, but takes it on the side of the head a couple of times. Thinking quickly but moving slowly, he attempts to pick up a nearby police barricade. Unfortunately, it proves too heavy for the man, and the best he can do is use it to shove his opponent slightly before dropping it and backing away.
End of Round One.
The two men emerge from their corners again, with more incoherent yelling! This fight is heating up, folks! But wait, what’s this? A man dressed a security guard jumps in the ring in a half-hearted and vain attempt at curtailing the violence! Boooo, security guard. Boooo hiss boo!
The security guard disappears as quickly as he entered, and the fight is back on! The tourist scrambles back to where the fight began even as he is taking blow after blow from the homeless man, who is unrelenting in his punishment. Finally, the tourist has what he was after: the other crutch. Now it’s on.
The two begin to duel like drunken pirates, crutches clashing and clanging until both are left holding nothing more than mangled pieces of metal. More words are exchanged, but our champions are tiring. The tourist heaves his weapon several more times, but the audience is growing bolder as the fighters begin to lose steam. Peacemakers close in on the warriors, and soon they engulf the screen with cries of “break it up!” and “that’s enough!” and “hey, hey, hey!”
The fight has ended. No champion has been named.
Don’t forget to order next week’s fight: Hot Dog Cart Guy vs. Erratic Taxi Driver.
Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
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