A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.

By Nina Pajak

Are you tired of eating tons of food and having to live with your choices? Had enough with dangerous calorie absorption and that boring old digestive system?

Cue grainy black and white footage of a woman choking on a hoagie as she attempts to swallow it in one bite; a man gripping his lower bowels in agony after devouring the better part of a pizza; a girl repeatedly stabbing herself in the eye with a meatball in an effort to fit one more into her mouth.

Introducing, the AspireAssist!

Picture this: you’ve just gone out to your favorite restaurant. It’s a neighborhood, red sauce Italian place that prides itself on its portion sizes, which are engineered to make your colon explode with enough left over to take home for another colon explosion tomorrow night.

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As always, you did that thing where you ate four pieces of bread before the food came because you were seriously starving, like no joke, like you hadn’t eaten all day. Or, okay, you only had, like, a yogurt and two egg whites and one mini Kit Kat and a bag of PopChips all day, which is basically nothing.

You were so starving, in fact, that you didn’t realize you were probably full until after you’d plowed through half an order of fried calamari, a Caesar salad (it’s lettuce!), and the better part of a genetically-enhanced chicken parm. And a pile of angel hair. And some broccoli rabe (vegetables!). And a little cookie (it was on the table!). Oof. Now you want to die.

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It’s understandable. You made a mistake. You might take this opportunity to learn a lesson, swear you’ll never do it again, and make a point of marking this precise feeling of regret, intestinal distress, and self-loathing to access in the future when you find yourself tempted once again.

Or, you could just take a mulligan and do a little at-home stomach pumping. That’s right. Thanks to the guy who brought the Segway to nerds everywhere and Gob Bluth, we now have the AspireAssist, a device which really is long overdue. Imagine, instead of digesting one’s food and living with the calories you ate, you can just suck them out of your stomach after eating.

That’s right! It’s simple: just have a small tube surgically inserted into your stomach. Then, in the time between ingesting and digesting, simply open the “Skin-Port,” a “poker-chip sized . . . valve that can be opened or closed to control the flow of stomach contents.” Dump up to 30% of your regrets into the toilet, and voila! Instant redemption, and you never even had to take a laxative. Goodbye, chicken parm. Hello . . . uh . . . dignity.

Well. I know one girl who already knows what to ask for her push present.

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