Nina In New York: Jerks Of The Week
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
By Nina Pajak
Another week come and gone, this one marked by a presidential inauguration, subzero temperatures the likes of which can freeze dog pee in mid-stream and make me wish I lived in California, and a host of ignominious stories and half-baked scandals.
But first, a heartwarming tale of loss, love, and interspecies bonding. Tearjerker of the Week goes to: this young bottlenose dolphin born with a rare spine curvature. Poor little Bobo,* through no fault of his own, was likely abandoned by his pod because his dolphin-scoliosis did not allow him to keep up with the other boys and girls. Even his parents didn’t care enough to let him join in their dolphin games, likely assuming he was a liability and future shark-food. Nature can be cruel that way. But instead of spending the rest of his doomed life alone and frightened, it seems as though Bobo has been adopted by a pod of sperm whales! They were seen frolicking, nuzzling, and swimming together over a period of eight days, which obviously means that this is forever and soon they will form an underwater mammal folk band called Bobo and the Whales. Children’s book pending and animated Disney feature pending. Prepare to laugh, cry, and learn a lot about acceptance and the power of a generous heart.
*Names have been changed/invented to protect/further anthropomorphize the innocent.
On the other hand, there’s the Jerk of the Week. Or at least, the Arguable Jerk of the Week, Depending on Your Perspective and What You Choose to Believe. I never thought I’d be saying this, and forgive me, Ms. Fierce, but it’s Beyonce.
Lady, your fabulosity blew us all away at the inauguration. After a slightly nervous and off-pitch performance by the talented Kelly Clarkson, you strode up onto that stage like you belonged there, and you killed it. Smashed it to pieces. You were all, yeah, my husband and I, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Brooklyn, are totes BFF with the Obamas and so I’m going to kick the sh** out of this performance and then go back to my seat like it was nothing.
And now we find out that you were maybe lip-synching? Maybe. Or maybe you were just singing along to your own pre-recorded vocals. Or maybe you were singing. Or maybe the band was pre-recorded. Or something. Whatever, people are MAD. Sure, it was freezing outside and in no way conducive to playing an instrument or belting out an extremely difficult song. Sure, I don’t actually care that much and am boring myself as I type this. But still: we demand justice. In the form of free tickets to the Barclay’s Center and an invitation to go hang out in your $1 million basement suite/nursery.
Finally, I end with the Jerk Takedown of the Week, in the form of a new study out of the Indiana University School of Public Health. According to their research and a survey of more than 1,600 men and women across the country in the 18 to 59 age range, condoms don’t actually interfere with or diminish pleasure during sex.
Take that, idiot boys. And take heed, idiot girls.