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Schmeelk: In Alternate Universe, Makers Of ‘Groundhog Day’ Would Sue Knicks

Bill Murray (Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images) and Mike Woodson (Photo by Rich Schultz /Getty Images)

Bill Murray (Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images) and Mike Woodson (Photo by Rich Schultz /Getty Images)

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By John Schmeelk
» More Columns

EDITOR’S NOTE: This story is purely satirical. It is in no way factual. 

Punxsutawney Phil, Columbia Pictures and Bill Murray File “Groundhog Day” Lawsuit Against Knicks

Shortly after Raymond Felton departed from his court appearance on Wednesday, a different legal measure was brought against the Knicks in Manhattan Civil Court. Three plaintiffs — Columbia Pictures, Bill Murray and Punxsutawney Phil himself — are suing the Knicks over copyright infringement of the film “Groundhog Day,” which was released back in 1993.

The lawsuit, in part, read: “Our movie was unique, in that it forced our audience to endure the same insufferable jokes again and again, with only slight changes but ultimately the same terrible result at the end of the scene. It was the first and last time such a plot device was used in a major motion picture and it remained unique to ‘Groundhog Day,’ until this year’s version of the Knicks.”

Bill Murray added: “I take pride in the fact we actually got people to see a movie that was really nothing more than the same nonsense over and over again with only slight variations. It was literally the same stuff for more than three quarters of the movie until the feel-good ending.

“Even better, people seem to have taken a liking to the movie even more now that it is available digitally. They can’t get enough.”

So where do the Knicks come in?

Murray continued: “There’s no doubt the New York Knicks have completely copied the same exact plot device in their 2013-2014 basketball season. They deliver the same awful product again and again, with common threads in all games. No one plays defense, the coach makes bad decisions, the ball doesn’t move on offense and they lose.

“Sometimes Dirk (Nowitzki) might hit a game-winner, sometimes J.R. Smith makes a bad decision and sometimes Andrea Bargnani takes an ill-advised shot. But the bottom line is the team loses over and over again. And it’s the damndest thing that people keep showing up to the Garden to see the same garbage. It’s ‘Groundhog Day’ all over again, and we won’t stand for it.

“That was OUR movie! Not theirs! They are so bad, this has to be on purpose. Wait, they have no draft pick? Never mind.”

Early this morning after waiting for hours, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole in the rural Pennsylvania town and spoke to reporters. Luckily it was an overcast morning, so Phil’s shadow did not chase him back into his hole. His comments were short and pointed.

“Groundhogs only have one movie that means anything to them,” he said. “Now the Knicks want to steal it. They already have their movie. Wasn’t Eddie enough? Whoopi (Goldberg) might actually coach the team better than Mike Woodson. And by the way, we had a happy ending. The Knicks? Tell Carmelo Anthony I’ll drive him to the airport in July on his way out of town.”

He then walked away from the media, who were still shouting questions, to gather his afternoon nuts.

The Knicks are disputing the lawsuit, calling it baseless. Woodson agreed, saying the team was playing “pretty good basketball,” so any comparison to “Groundhog Day” was unfounded. Steve Mills did not address the media nor did Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan.

They released the following statement: “We at the Garden are concerned with only one thing: Winning basketball games. Well, also controlling the media. And rebranding the Knicks City Dancers. And pleasing CAA. And celebrity row. Oh, don’t forget settling petty feuds. Then comes winning. This lawsuit is baseless.”

Things only get worse for the Knicks, who take on the Heat on Thursday night. In an effort to show support for one of his favorite movies of all time, Heat forward Chris “Birdman” Anderson has gotten a tattoo of a groundhog on his forehead for Thursday’s game. Murray will also be in attendance, and rumors abound that he will address the crowd at halftime. More as it develops.

Schmeeelk’s Snippets

- Seriously, Shannon Brown and Earl Clark? Those are the guys the Knicks decided to use to fill their open roster spots? Neither has any upside, and they provide little of what the Knicks need. Clark plays the same position as Anthony, and Brown plays the wing much like Tim Hardaway, Jr. and J.R. Smith. The Knicks need to use all their flexibility on young players who could be future assets, not guys who have already fizzled out of the league after being given every opportunity.

- And despite the fun had above, condolences to the friends and family of Harold Ramis, who directed “Groundhog Day” and was a fantastic writer and entertainer. We are all worse off with him gone. 

You can follow me on Twitter @Schmeelk for everything Knicks, Giants, Yankees and the world of sports. 

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