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Nina In New York: Fish Are Aliens, The Russians Have Proof (Basically)

Outer Space

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

For many years now, I’ve had a couple of theories about outer space and the ocean.

1. There’s no reason to believe life can’t exist outside of our planet, galaxy, even solar system. We don’t know what we don’t know. You know?

2. The scene beneath the ocean is basically what I imagine outer space should look like: a completely alien natural landscape inhabited by myriad dinosaurs and monsters.

Well, now the Russians have proven that all of my ideas are not only correct, but some might argue completely brilliant. I might argue. No, I’ll definitely argue.

According to The Telegraph, after completing a “routine spacewalk” around the International Space Station (ISS), Russian cosmonauts claim to have found living sea plankton in samples collected from residue on the outside of the windows. Did you get that? Microscopic ocean life from our planet is apparently living and breathing (?) in outer space.

NASA is all, “this is the first we’re hearing about this,” and “maybe the plankton stowed away on modules visiting the ISS from Earth,” but the head of the Russian ISS program explained the phenomenon thusly: “It means that there are some uplifting air currents which reach the station and settle on its surface.”

So this means a couple of things:

1. Certain types of life can, indeed, survive in space, what with the cold and the zero gravity and no oxygen or light. The article points out that scientists have already proven that microbes can live deep, deep under ice and that they’ve even shown that one type can survive in space for ten days. Ergo, I think it’s reasonable to assume that the galaxy is filled with millions of species of alien life and probably several dozen or so advanced civilizations. It’s really just about connecting the dots, at this point.

2. Stuff down here can be transported beyond the Earth’s atmosphere, into orbit. That also means it can come back down. I know things typically burn up when they re-enter, but am I the only one thinking the Sharknado theory sounds less farfetched, all of a sudden? Yeah, okay, I thought so. Wait, you mean no I’m not the only—oh, right. Fine, fine.

But at the very least, we can all agree that maybe some of those so-called “fish” beneath the water are actually organisms from outer space that hitched a ride back down on an air current and took up residence in the ocean? And that maybe this even happened millions of years ago and that they then evolved into the creatures from the deep we now recognize as earthly beings?

Who’s a crackpot now? (It’s not me).

One hundred bucks says that one day, in a couple of millennia maybe, future cosmonauts discover a planet of aliens who all look like what we call the blobfish. They’ll be blobbing around in their blobby houses, going to work at the Blobatorium. They’ll see the human explorers, stick ‘em in a zoo, label them “Blobosphere’s Ugliest Animal,” then write a bunch of blogs (oddly, it’s the same word in both languages) about how adorably hideous we are. They will laugh their sad, blobbish laugh and make pillows in our likeness. Revenge is sweet.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!