Max: Fantasy Football -- You Do Know It's Not The Real Thing, Right?
By Jared Max
» More Columns
Fantasy football teams are like opinions — everybody has one.
I would rather walk from West New York, New Jersey to the East Side of Manhattan in cold, driving rain -- dodging daredevil bicyclists and taxis emulating freshly beheaded chickens — than listen to somebody talk about his or her fantasy football team.
I have a big heart. I have a good ear. I am a compassionate, sensitive, loyal friend. I can be a great listener. However, I keep a zero-tolerance policy on discussing others' fantasy football tales. I won't do it.
I won't. I won't. I won't.
Fantasy football is the sports fan's version of Dungeons and Dragons. It is not a social event — other than for you and the person you're competing against each week. The only one who cares about your fantasy football team is you. Bragging or lamenting is a waste of your breath and your audience's time. If you have a need to tell somebody about the finger-painting masterpiece you made this morning in kindergarten, write a blog about it and stick it under a magnet on a refrigerator at a home appliance store.
As Jerry Seinfeld spoke of Kenny Bania's comedy routine, I would rather get beaten with a bag of oranges than listen to your fantasy football war stories. "No, but DUDE, get this -- I decided to start Kaepernick because I have his 49ers tight end, Vernon Davis on my team and the Niners were playing my boss' wife's favorite team and . . ." Riveting! Can you tell me the story again, but, slower? I need time to get into character so I can do my best Archie Bunker impression while you detail that deal which landed DeMarco Murray on your team.
Hold on!! I'm not ready.
OK, now ... Explain how you orchestrated a blockbuster trade with that guy Brian who runs the food truck on 48th Street. You know the trade -- the one you posted about on your league message board about how after four-plus hours studying stats and searching your soul, you rationalized that it would be beneficial to part with your Seattle Seahawks' defense because it would mean you could have a running back on your fantasy team who plays on your favorite team. Remember all the details so that I have a chance to recreate each of Bunker's pantomimes.
As I said, I am a good friend. If you ask for advice on which player might be a better choice to start a given fantasy week, I will listen and share my two cents. If you do not understand how fantasy football operates but want to join in the fun, I will explain the rules. I will tell you about the benefits of fantasy football as well as its detriments. If you ask me how I managed to keep my team afloat this season after having drafted both Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice, I will tell which transactions I made. However, I will not spend any more time discussing the drama of my fantasy game than I would pondering with others if Victor Newman should leave Nikki to start a new family with Phyllis on The Young and the Restless.
Watching the game no longer seems enough. If we watch a game together, we can discuss the game. If we play each other in fantasy football, we can talk about it for a maximum 90 seconds the next day. If we did not play each other the day before, I do not care if the quarterback you picked up the week before scored you 51 points. Stop being a dork. It's fantasy football. It is not the real thing. Just as you probably don't share when you bet money on a game and lose but tell anyone within five miles that you picked an upset, nobody is interested in your sorrow or braggadocio.
For a similar reason that people bet on NFL games, we play fantasy football. Vested interest creates excitement, most particularly for games we might care little about, normally. To win one's league, one must be astute — tuned in to which unsigned players are worthy of adding, which current roster spots are being wasted with dead wood.
Now that games are played on Thursdays, in addition to Sundays and Mondays, owning a fantasy football team requires more focus than ever. This is a challenging game; I have no room in my brain for your fantasy. Do you want to hear about mine?
Jared Max is a multi-award winning sportscaster. He hosted a No. 1 rated New York City sports talk show, "Maxed Out" — in addition to previously serving as longtime Sports Director at WCBS 880, where he currently anchors weekend sports. Follow and communicate with Jared on Twitter @jared_max.
You May Also Be Interested In These Stories
