Nina In New York: If You Watched 'Eaten Alive,' I'm Pretty Sure It's Over Between Us

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

Somehow, it seems I've fallen out of sync with the flow of popular culture. A couple of nights ago, Discovery Channel (which has helped us in the noble pursuits of discovering everything from "The Deadliest Catch" to the seedy world of "The Amish Mafia") aired a show tantalizingly titled "Eaten Alive." It premiered amid great fanfare, promising salivating viewers that they would see a man be literally eaten alive by a giant anaconda snake.

Then, to the great dismay of millions of people, the voluntary subject of the show was not, in fact, consumed whole. It seems the snake spent a while crushing him, tasted his helmet, and then he called in his team of life-savers to, you know, save his life. The backlash has been great, according to the Internet and, more specifically, my Facebook newsfeed. And I must wonder: what the eff has happened to us? It's bad enough that a network would air a two-hour special in which they attempt to feed a human to a snake, but did we really, truly want to see that happen? Weren't you all sort of relieved that you hadn't just witnessed a genuine horror film come to life? Or did you really settle in with a beer and a bowl of pretzels hoping to be treated to a snuff film on the same network responsible for a show called "Penguins: Waddle All the Way?"

It's been difficult enough realizing through Facebook who among my friends rabidly opposes all the political and moral views I hold dear. Now I have to know that some people who "like" photos of my kid and randomly wish me a happy birthday once every few years are mad that they didn't get to see a guy die a painful death on television (or at least, come close and then get saved at the last heart-pounding second, leaving both him and the snake traumatized beyond repair).

You guys. I can live through the FarmVille updates and the incessant clickbait sharing and even the likes on articles I find reprehensible, but this may be the last straw. I think it's best if we spent some virtual time (further) apart. It's not me, it's you. It's very much you. It's like I don't even vaguely know who you are in a meaningless and superficial way anymore. I thought we had something special when you liked my "throwback Thursday" post. I thought we were on the same imaginary page based on carefully selected, incomplete details which we choose to share about our lives. I just . . . need to be alone for a while. I don't think we can bounce back from this.

I'm sorry. I hope you get the help you need.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!