Nina In New York: We Can't Think Without Our iPhones, Which Is . . . Bad, Or Something
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
A new study from the University of Missouri has determined that iPhone (and, logically, all smartphone) users experience a debilitating form of separation anxiety when apart from their phones. Our heart rates become elevated, our blood pressure spikes, and we don't do stuff so much good. I mean, like, when we do a test thing that tests your . . . head sponge. We don't. We can't, uh. It . . . hard. No. I . . . wait. Ugh braaaaaain.
Where's my phone? Oh, found it. That's better.
As I was saying, when iPhone users were separated from their beloved devices, they were unable to perform as well on cognitive tests. And it's not because they couldn't secretly access the phone's calculator or Google machine. It's on account of the fact that their brains can't function properly without their trusty digital appendages safely in their pockets where they can reach in and touch the screen, hold the weight in their hands, flip it over and over again in their palms, lock and unlock it pointlessly and incessantly. It is a piece of them, and they are no more able to think clearly without it than they would be if a phalange suddenly went missing. Experts recommend that those who may suffer from this modern day affliction should not choose to leave the phone at home for important moments requiring great concentration, and that youths should practice spending time sans machine to avoid becoming pathetically dependent, bleary-eyed zombies who can barely complete a sentence if they can't find
I suppose, if we zoom out a bit, it may be time to admit that we've officially been ruined. We have been compromised. Our brains can and have been hacked. I think it would be prudent to activate the protocol in which NATO quietly culls the best and brightest from society and ships them to Mars, where they have been secretly setting up human colonies, protected by the false reports leaked to the press about the planet's inhabitability and lack of little green men. In fact, the little green men have been hard at work on our behalf and are launching a pretty decent looking Doubletree residence hotel any month now. I don't delude myself with any hopes of being on the "to be saved" list, but I'm hoping my family can hop on board on my daughter's coattails. She's only twenty months, sure, but she knows all her colors and she's catching onto verb conjugation and I really think I could pretty easily break her of her selfie habit without too much trouble. All I'm saying is, consider it. I promise I'll do better.
In the meantime, I'll try my hardest to fix my own brain, but with realistic expectations. It distresses me greatly to think that my decision-making and intellectual abilities could be completely neutralized if someone were to steal my phone. It's not like I've got a lot more to fall back on, like physical strength or agility. I shouldn't have put all my eggs in one . . . egg holder.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
