Nina In New York: Oh, Relax, You Probably Aren't Turning Your Kid Into A Narcissist
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
Bad news, you guys. We've been doing it wrong: turns out my generation of coddling parents is probably producing an entire generation of wanton narcissists.
A new study conducted in the Netherlands by researchers at Ohio State University has blown apart the modern parenting construct, declaring that heaping undue praise on presumably average children breeds narcissistic attitudes. And it's not just about the adulating. Now they say we can't even continue raising our kids to believe they are not only great, but the best. Better than all those other loser slob kids. They deserve everything that is good and right in this world, and by the way they're the only ones who do. That kid over there with the ears? He won't be going to Harvard if we have anything to say about it. That one there with the hair? First violin chair OVER MY DEAD BODY.
What, is this not right? I'm not really sure how to adjust for this. Do you mean that it's wrong that we've been telling little Susie that she's a multifaceted prodigy at eighteen months and, what's more, the greatest mind since Einstein or Franklin or Jobs (and we'll see how well those legacies hold up)? I'm sorry, it's just that this is all a little foreign to me. So what you're saying is that I should cease training my child to break kneecaps with the precision of a surgeon even though she really does show promise as a figure skater?
I'm going to have to chew on this for a while.
Obviously I'm being facetious. I think that while this story makes for a great, panic-inducing headline which strikes fear into the heart of every helicopter parent this side of 1982, it probably mostly comes down to common sense. You know, like everything else we seem to do horribly wrong. Should we praise and encourage our children when they are trying hard and doing well? Should we tell them they're talented and capable and special, even if the jury is still sort of out? I have to think the answer is yes to all, within reason. If you are a reasonable person, you know that your child may be good at some things but probably isn't the single most impressive person who ever lived (because Amal Clooney already exists). If you are a reasonable person, you will want your kids to be able to handle it when someone else is better at something than they are. When someone else gets a spot on a team they tried out for, or when someone else gets that coveted position on the school paper/yearbook committee/student council/fictitious playground club which exists only to establish sticker trading hierarchy. You know they will excel at some things and need help with others, just like you. You know that they will likely occupy a middle space in life, and although you want them to reach for the stars, you also want to equip them to be happy with a "normal" existence, like the one you lead. (I'm going to assume that Gwyneth Paltrow isn't reading this.) Because being special in small ways is just fine. It's better than fine, it's fantastic. And I think it's important not to get too carried away with this "praise is the devil's whipped cream" thing, lest we lose sight of the fact that we want our kids to have the confidence and enthusiasm to keep trying things until they find what they love to do.
Believe me, I think my kid is the tops, and I tell her so all the time. Possibly even too much, because soon it's going to get embarrassing when she lets it slip to another toddler friend that she's the prettiest, smartest, funniest baby in the whole wide world. But that doesn't mean I plan to blindly praise her for everything she ever does, because I wouldn't be doing her any favors. Nor would I ever teach her to look down on her peers. And I honestly think that most (I say most, not all) parents know that. Yes, even in my helicoptered, cosseted, soft as pudding generation from whose butts the sun most certainly shines. I've met them. I am them. We're definitely annoying, but we're not about to destroy mankind with a big batch of pathologically self-absorbed spawn.
That being said, I can promise you that I will never cease complimenting my daughter's musical ability as I listen to her slamming away at the piano with a stuffed bear and hollering "Itsy Bitsy Spider" at the top of her lungs. She's two. What am I supposed to say? "Well, I appreciate your energy, but you're really quite flat. It's called a tune, dear, and I can't carry it for you." If, one day, we find that she follows in my footsteps and would be better off using her piano as an indoor planter, I'll happily steer her towards another hobby. Until then, her banging and squawking is music to my ears.
And by music to my ears, I mean infernal racket. But she'll never know.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
