Nina In New York: Octopus Phone Home

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Many of you who read this column or who know me personally may now be acquainted with my theories regarding the ocean. I'll briefly summarize, just in case: the ocean is another world filled with monsters (giant squid; this guy), dinosaurs (massive sharks; megalodon, perhaps?), and bizarre, science-fiction type creatures (I mean, come on with this). My feeling is essentially that it is akin to outer space. Think about it! We can't breathe unassisted, it's dark and incomprehensibly deep, and it's inhabited by species that are about as foreign to us as extraterrestrials may as well be. If you go down there and get eaten, well . . . that's on you.

Finally (shockingly), science is on my side. A study out of the University of Chicago (a real, legit, rigorous academic institution, mmkay?) revealed that the octopus is so profoundly different from other animals, genetically speaking, that it is akin to an actual alien from another planet. From the UK Mirror:

US researcher Dr Clifton Ragsdale, from the University of Chicago, said: "The octopus appears to be utterly different from all other animals, even other molluscs, with its eight prehensile arms, its large brain and its clever problem-solving abilities.

"The late British zoologist Martin Wells said the octopus is an alien. In this sense, then, our paper describes the first sequenced genome from an alien."

Okay, it's not like they're actually saying they think the octopus actually comes from planet Octopoid in the galaxy X36ξ, and that millions of years ago a spaceship shaped like a cephalopod crashed in the middle of the ocean and its inhabitants filed out and established an underwater community. They're not saying that they've been quietly observing Earth life and plotting planetary domination from beyond the deep. They're not saying that the octopuses allow themselves to be captured and studied in labs in order to gain access to our scientific tools and resources, which they can access by easily escaping their tanks when no one is watching. No. Nobody is saying that. That would be silly. That would be crazy.

But they're not not saying it, either.

I'm going to take this as a win. How it affects my own consumption of octopi remains unclear, however. Do I refrain from eating them out of respect for their intelligence or fear of their being actual aliens? Or do I eat them with greater gusto and frequency now that I suspect their ulterior motives? I guess that so far, they've been unable to execute on their plans in any meaningful way. So perhaps I ought to stay the course. Polpo for the table, grazie!

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!