Nina In New York: Breaking News: Take A Load Off

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

First science tells us that sitting is the new cancer. We all stand up. Then we see reports that sitting isn't so bad after all. We all sit down (phew, I'm tired). Wait -- stand up again. Oh, no, hang on, you can sit. Oh, hang on? Please rise.

On second, or third or eighth thought, have a seat. Chill out for a minute while we figure this out.

I haven't been this confused and exhausted since the last time my in-laws brought me with them to church.

It's like the health community is playing a fast-paced, spasmodic game of musical chairs with us. Only the last one left standing is the winner, and the last person left sitting is DEAD MEAT. Or maybe vice versa. It remains to be seen.

For now, we're back in the reclining position. An article recently published in the International Journal of Epidemiology says sitting won't relax you into an early grave. Researchers in England found that a person's risk of dying had less to do with how often you place your bum on a chair and more to do with how active a person is. In fact, generally inactive people are at risk due to their stationary nature, regardless of whether they spend their sedentary time seated or standing. So, shut up about your new standing desk, okay? Nobody cared before, and now you just look like a dummy. A dead dummy. That's the worst kind.

There are all sorts of caveats and concessions and disclaimers, including the fact that the researchers focused on an urban population and not people who tend to drive to work. So I suppose that leaves the door open for yet another study refuting this study and reasserting the idea that our chair are out to destroy our lives. I await the news with bated breath. I can't wait. I'm at the edge of my seat.

Ba dum dum.

For now, the answer seems clear: sit down. Then stand up, then begin moving one foot in front of the other in a regular fashion. Watch out for walls, doorways, windows and sharp turns. Once you've mastered the steering mechanism, try speeding up the process. Jump up and down a little. Don't forget to pump your arms in rhythm with your legs. That part is tricky! Don't feel badly. It's normal to fall down every so often. You'll get the hang of it soon. We can do it, guys. It'll be hard, but at the end you can sit again, comfortable both in your cushion and in the fact that you've staved off death for yet another day.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!