Nina In New York: I'll Take A Hot Dog With The Works, Minus The Human DNA

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

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By Nina Pajak

Just in time for Halloween, here's a scary story for you:

Not long ago (last week), on a dark and stormy night, a creepy laboratory full of mad scientists (Clear Food, an organization which uses advanced molecular testing to analyze the quality of the foods we eat) completed a blood-curdling report on America's arguably favorite food: the hot dog. Also its fatter, oilier sister: the sausage. Clear Food's goal is "to reveal the whole story—the one behind the label," looking for inconsistencies between the ingredients and nutrition facts listed and what is actually present in the item. They also test for unsanitary conditions, undisclosed ingredient substitutions, and . . . more.

You know. Like human DNA. Wait, wait. Let me try that again while you cue up your mental organ music: HUUUUMAN DNA. IT'S PEOPLE! Bwaaaaaaaa!

That's right. While you probably would have assumed that hot dogs aren't exactly pristine, I bet you weren't thinking that your ballpark snack contained bits and pieces of other humans. According to the report, 14.4% of all the hot dogs tested (across 75 brands and 10 retailers) were "problematic." And 2% contained the aforementioned skin cells/saliva/blood/boogers/toenail clippings that I can only imagine contribute to a finding of human DNA. Here's the scariest part of this tale: 2/3 of the human DNA samples came from vegetarian hot dogs.

Go ahead, scream for a few minutes. Okay, okay, breathe.

And there's more. Pork was found to have been secretly substituted in 3% of the samples, often in place of turkey or chicken. Now it's your turn to scream, kosher and halal people. And 10% of the vegetarian items actually contained meat! In fact, "vegetarian items accounted for 67% of the hygienic issues found in the report." High scores had no correlation to price, nor did a brand's being organic necessarily lead to better findings.

Clear Food has all sorts of interesting infographics and more statistics on their site, as well as brand and retailer recommendations. As a consumer whose child eats multiple organic, theoretically high quality hot dogs per week, I can't help but derive some of my own conclusions. Namely that:

• If you're a vegetarian, you just can't eat a hot dog. Okay? Get over it. Everyone has to make sacrifices.
• I think I just bought my last, fancy, overpriced organic turkey dog.
• I literally just heard my husband offer my daughter a hot dog from the other room and might vomit or run in and throw the package into the garbage and then set the garbage on fire.
• Maybe I was better off before I knew all this stuff.
• I totally thought they were going to find rat parts! But they reported zero rat parts! There's a silver lining to everything, truly.

The website states that Clear Food plans to use Kickstarter to fund its next ten reports, and they want consumer votes on future categories. The possibilities seem endless here. Chicken nuggets? Packaged seafood? Lunch meat? Sushi? Wine? Anything but wine! I am simultaneously desperate for the next project and desperately wishing I could un-know the existence of this whole operation. And now you're all stuck in the same boat. Welcome. We're hungry.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!