TALE OF THE TAPE

More Efficient: New York Giants Or The United States Government?

The Giants have begun the season with an 0-6 record to the amazement and amusement of many. The United States government has ground to a halt in a shutdown, embroiled in squabbles and unable to agree about healthcare, gun policies, or what color that house at 1600 Penn is. The question is, with both New York and DC seemingly going nowhere, which of the two has been the most efficient? Let’s go to the tape.

New York Giants
US Government
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 06: Eli Manning #10 of the New York Giants reacts in the fourth quarter against the Philadelphia Eagles at MetLife Stadium on October 6, 2013 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
WASHINGTON, DC - OCTOBER 16: U.S. Speaker of the House Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) (C) arrives at a House Republican meeting regarding a bipartisan solution for the pending budget and debt limit impasse at the U.S. Capitol October 16, 2013 in Washington, DC. The U.S. government shutdown is in its sixteenth day as the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives remain gridlocked on funding the federal government and the extending the nation's debt limit.
(credit: Elsa/Getty Images)
(credit: Andrew Burton/Getty Images)
Gridlock
The offensive line struggles for New York create nothing but congestion at the line of scrimmage, often resulting in offensive plays which result in a net loss for the Giants.
Winner A negative direction is still in fact a direction, and the U.S. Government will have no movement whatsoever. “Is zero high enough to win? Did we do it?”
Show Me The Money
Winner For players or coaches unable to perform, the option to release or cut them is still available as some measure of accountability. Almost nobody, even in this rarefied air of sport, has guaranteed money coming their way.
They may have to shut down all government services, but Congressional paychecks keep rolling in. Remember, the postal service still operates during a shutdown, so those elected officials will still get their checks. And should something even more calamitous occur which would result in the mail stopping, they'll switch to direct deposit.
Pick a Cruz, Any Cruz
Winner Victor Cruz has delivered three 100+ yard receiving games and 4 touchdowns in the young season despite the struggles of his team. Win or lose, Cruz keeps on working tirelessly.
Senator Ted Cruz has done all that is possible to emerge from this crisis with an elevated profile, even talking for 21 straight hours on the Senate floor. Win or lose, Cruz keeps talking tirelessly.
Reaching Across The Aisle
4 neutral zone infractions so far this season already, helping their opponents march further down the field. A total loss (no winner here).
Such action might lead to compromise, which is another word for weakness. A total loss (no winner here).
Face Of The Franchise
Winner The pruny, incredulous and crimson face of Tom Coughlin is perhaps the best evidence yet that Mom was right and a face can freeze that way. His steadfast commitment to discipline and fundamentals does, if nothing else, inspire the hope that he and the team still are working hard to pull out a victory.
The leathery skin and inexplicably orange hue of John Boehner's mug serves as an enduring reminder that virtually everything in D.C. is for one reason or another alarming. It also reminds me that I still have yet to buy a pumpkin this year.
Late In The Fourth
If the Giants can keep a game close, Eli Manning is more than capable of a late drive or last second heroics with a Hail Mary. It would be a moral victory at best, and the players under Coughlin would likely take it in stride and continue with their work as normal.
Winner They can bring it down to the wire, but if they accomplish even the most menial task in the 11th hour with a Hail Mary and 48 hours worth of unnecessary spin and PR, they will party and congratulate themselves like they literally saved every individual American from drowning. Who steered us into the iceberg in the first place is irrelevant, mind you, because the point is the crisis has been averted!

The Winner Is

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 06: Eli Manning #10 of the New York Giants reacts in the fourth quarter against the Philadelphia Eagles at MetLife Stadium on October 6, 2013 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
Winner New York Giants
3 out of 6

The New York Giants, who have yet to win a single contest this year, emerge as the more effective of the two this week by a score of 3-2-1. If nothing else, New York is battling other teams and not itself, despite how it may feel to irate fans after witnessing yet another running back fumble. Bear in mind, an end to the government shutdown is not a victory for congress, in the same way that me reattaching my own pinky that I spitefully sawed off does not give me 11 fingers. It is a reparation of a staple that should never have been destroyed in the first place. At the end of the day, the Giants give us football, and that in and of itself is a victory over the 24 hour news cycle and the DC circus.
-Christian Kohl, CBS Local Sports contributor

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