TALE OF THE TAPE

Was The Trent Richardson Trade Less Painful Than LeBron James’ “The Decision”?

Oh. Poor Cleveland. Not again. I can’t believe this is happening to those poor fellas. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention…Trent Richardson, the #3 overall draft pick in the 2012 draft, just got traded to the Indianapolis Colts (where he’ll play with the #1 overall draft pick, Andrew Luck). That means that, up to this weekend, Cleveland’s leading rusher is quarterback Brandon Weeden, who has 7 yards. In 2 games. NONE of the Brown’s RBs have a single yard. It’s…a disaster. But how does it compare to Cleveland’s greatest heartbreak – “The Decision”? Let’s go to the tape to see which of the two was less painful for the city of Cleveland.

Trent Richardson Trade
LeBron James Decision
Cleveland Browns v Denver Broncos
LeBron James Pre Decision Meet and Greet
Metaphorical Pain Scale Equivalent?
Winner Someone clubbing you in the head with a brick when you aren’t looking.
A month-long torture where you’re awake and in full control of your faculties for every second of it.
Cinematic Equivalent?
Winner When Michael Corleone iced the police chief in The Godfather. Sudden. Emotional. Quick.
When Mufasa died. Or, the first 15 minutes of "Up", whichever hurts your soul more.
Relationship Equivalent?
Winner When the person you’ve been dating for a year, and thinking of moving in with, suddenly has a new, more attractive beau (who’s also in better shape, you slob you).
When the person you've been married to for 7 years suddenly leaves you to become a biker gang's town bicycle.
Best Case Scenario?
Winner The Colts are mediocre at best, and the Browns turn in a 5-11 season, which they were going to anyway.
There’s no joy here. There is no best case scenario.
Worst Case Scenario?
Winner The Colts, with a talented young QB and RB, become a powerhouse for at least 10 years.
The Heat win a championship. What? They already- ok, so they win two ch- wait, what? Come on!
Humiliating Aftermath?
Winner Jim Irsay drunkenly tweeting about a “big trade” (but then, he’s always drunkenly tweeting about a big win).
Dan Gilbert’s magenta-tinted comic sans letter about how Cleveland will win a championship before LeBron James. That didn’t work out. Twice.
Most Pompous Moment in Sports History?
Winner No, it’s just business. Plus, many speculate that this will give the Browns the draft firepower to acquire a Teddy Bridgewater, and actually start a true rebuilding process.
Oh yes.

The Winner Is

Cleveland Browns v Denver Broncos
Winner Trent Richardson Trade
7 out of 7

Oh my, sports fans. We’ve never seen a victory quite this lopsided in Tale of the Tape history. The Richardson trade sweeps The Decision, 7-0. In a manner of speaking, Cleveland finally won! That said, losing your best offensive player, and STILL having it be 100% less painful than the LeBron fiasco just goes to show you what a dog and pony show the whole thing was. Just disgraceful.
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

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