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Keidel: Time For Yankees To Bean Ortiz And The Boys From Beantown

By Jason Keidel
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If you’re like me – a native New Yorker with a healthy hatred for the Red Sox, Patriots, Ben Affleck, and all things New England – David Ortiz’s histrionics last night didn’t surprise you. In fact, you didn’t even blame him for it.

Indeed, you blame the Yankees for it, and you should. Ortiz went Reggie on us in our yard while he went yard, swatting a ball over the porch, flipping his bat in contempt for Hector Noesi, and admiring the arc of the homer with a caustic glare toward the young pitcher before he finally sauntered and circled the bases.

There are several schools of thought on how to handle this. The genteel response is to assert that the only way to stop such celebrations is to keep him from hitting home runs. Since that is impossible and, frankly, the meek man’s way of handling Big Papi, I must side with the second solution.

Drill his fat ass.

Get a large man with a live arm and but a bull’s-eye on his back, ribs, gleuts, and gut. Hit him hard. Hit him often. And to hell with repercussions. When Jason Varitek and A-Rod morphed into cage fighters on that summer day in 2004, the Red Sox emerged with more than a win that afternoon. They got the upper hand, snatched the moral and macho high ground from a team that tormented them for a century.

Simply, they punked us. They knew it. We knew it. Ever since ’04, more than a curse was broken. The Yankees lost their prerogative as baseball’s eternal dynasty and, perhaps, their place as America’s Team.

In basketball, a team is soft when the opposing point guard drives down the paint with impunity. In football, your defense is defenseless when the opposing halfback darts five yards deep into your secondary before he’s hit. It’s emasculating. Some things are not just physical but also metaphysical. Such things don’t beam from the scoreboard. The trenches, the lane, the line, the mound, and home plate are all places where games are won before they are reflected from the box score.

For too long we’ve eaten this appalling parable about Papi – the cheery, cherubic masher wielding maple with an easy grin. He spits into his palms, claps, and clubs Yankee pitching for a decade. And we’re sick of it. Ortiz was busted with equine potions in his plump posterior, yet no one called him out on it, falling for his faux indignity over the Mitchell Report.

Our pals in Bristol, ESPN, the de facto headquarters of Red Sox Nation, didn’t send their crack team of reporters with a fraction of the fervor used in following Barry Bonds. And “Manny being Manny” – a formerly quaint euphemism for odd bathroom breaks in the Green Monster and long locks wretched fielding – was hailed as a hero by our pals over at the “Worldwide Leader in Sports” until the very end, until even the most jaded Manny enthusiast couldn’t defend him another day.

Joe Torre, a fine baseball mind and a quintessential gentleman, was far too gentle with the Red Sox. For too long, the Red Sox sent a conga line of hitters to the plate who were all too comfy in the batter’s box spikes dug deep up font while they leaned as far forward as they could, daring our decent pitchers to throw inside. And while Rex Sox pitchers made a living (and loving) drilling Jeter on the arm, wrist, hand, and helmet, Torre gave no matching marching orders, no edict demanding his team’s pound of flesh. It was nauseating.

And though the next Joe (Girardi) teems with more testosterone, we’d still like to see more than a condemnation from the comfort of his office before a forest of microphones. “Yeah,” Girardi said after the game. “I really didn’t care of it.” Oooh. Watch out, Red Sox, the Skipper really disapproves. He might even give you an evil look from the dugout tonight, or challenge Terry Francona to a staring contest.

We want to see the Sox tremble in the box with a planned exit route to the dugout, cleats in the air, helmet on the ground, ass on the dirt.

It’s time to get dirty, Yankees. We got your back.

Feel free to email me:

Let’s hear it. Should the Yankees score some retaliation? Fire away in the comments below…


One Comment

  1. JK says:

    Can’t thank you guys (and ladies) enough for the comments and the robust dialogue. Except for a few fools who hate on everything and everyone, this has been a delight. Thank you again.

  2. Paul D says:

    I’m missing two posts here. Take out Cano? What?

  3. Frank D says:

    I you can’t legitimnately win(which seems the case or no one would care).

    Might as well have fun.

    Then they take out Cano next- right?

  4. Paul D says:

    there wil be baseball tonight. the best game of the series, i think.

    1. Ellen says:

      Paul, the storm alert is all over here in Massachusetts and they did say it might go all over the east coast. Hope their wrong about that one.

  5. Paul D says:

    good for you, Ellen. 44 posts so far. That’s why this country’s so great. It’s the passion that drives us and that will ultimately save us.

    1. Ellen says:

      Paul D, thanks. Now I’m on Boston news and they have storm alerts going on now. Rain, thunder, hail the whole kabob. I think maybe a rain out tonight? Heard anything about that Paul?

  6. Paul D says:

    then why even comment on it. Your a silly man. You’re sitting at your desktop or laptop and stating emotion filled opinions about a game you are passionate about and then just as quickly dismiss that as: ” just a game played by millionaires…” If you want to have a discourse on the unfairness of societal heirarchy or why we root for so-called millionaires run by billionaires then let’s do that. But it is a little off topic don’t you think? You sound like a child.

  7. baseball fan says:

    Paul D.
    The only thing that’s clear is that you don’t know how to play the game. Your need to use an expletive to make your case makes that clear.
    A war? It’s a game, played by millionaires, run by billionaires. Get your priorities straight.

  8. Paul D says:

    And S. Novack- I counted 28 words and the “and” symbol- whatever that’s called. If you don’t know how to use English syntax, or banal cliche driven openings, just state your case and be on you way.

  9. Paul D says:

    baseball fan? you might be a fan but it’s clear you never played the game. It’s about mental edges. Something clueless Joe has no idea about. It’s a game of attrition. Just play the game? Just what the f@#% do you think the game is? It’s a war out there, brother. You can’t handle it. Stick an ice pick in your ear.

  10. baseball fan says:

    Utter nonsense. So you want to play baseball like a hockey game? Throw hard, throw inside, but hitting the guy cause you can’t beat him?
    Just beat him and his team.

    1. JK says:

      Then explain why Boston has been drilling Derek Jeter (among many Yankees) since Pedro Martinez pitched for them. You can’t have it both ways. Either both teams stop or both teams drill.

  11. Paul D says:

    That’s great, Ellen. But think about this- it is a long road, a long road indeed to recover from a Century’s worth of futility.

    1. JK says:

      The defining difference between Yankees fans and Red Sox fans is New Yorkers celebrate World Series wins while Bostonians revel in regular season glory. Two titles in 90 years will do that to a team and a town. You can keep the moral high ground, we’ll wear the rings.

      1. JK says:

        And who the heck cares about the Bruins? They play a sport no one watches and haven’t won a Stanley Cup in 40 years. Good times!

      2. Jobaisafatpig says:

        How many of your precious rings came before 1963? The rest wee bought by Mr. Steinbrenner. Stop living in the past. Did Joba get put on dl from lifting his dinner plate?

      3. Dean Dacian says:

        What Moral high ground? They hit Jete & A-Rod on Thursday night before we finally retaliated, weakly against Big Papi.

    2. Ellen says:

      Paul D , I understand what you posted, but lets face it it’s rather fun for the rest of us when you Yankee fans get yourselves all in an uproar, and over what a baseball game. Have to admit the games I love seeing are the ones between the Red Sox and Yankees, and do love your new Yankee Stadium.

  12. Ellen says:

    Lets see. Burins won, Red Sox won. Ya, I like that. Like it very much so. Now the Big Apple has become what, Sour Apples.

  13. Yankee Hater says:

    Uh, Papi hit that beanball into the seats. First-place Red Sox!

  14. Paul D. says:

    why is it that Yankee haters have to project all their insecurities and self loathing unto Yankee fans. Honestly. Thinlk about it for a minute. What do Yankee fans have to whine about. I’m not discounting that there aren’t just too many spoiled Yankee fans out there. But when you win with such consistency, it’s more of a disappointment and not any of that sense of panic or doom that afflict most other fans. You have to understand that. The Red Sox have come into their house and have thrown down a mental and physical beating with impunity. The Yankees are not about letting this go on. They were never about laying down for anybody.It’s just disappoinment, like when you first realized that your dad wasn’t made of steel.

  15. Kurt Spitzner says:

  16. Sebastian Novack says:

    In a word… Stop whining and just because your team’s starting ten aren’t winning. The Yanks are playing like losers & the fans are showing their usual hatred. What a clown show.

    1. dachmuse says:

      Spoken like a true Brahmin Blue Blood, smelling your own farts and believing the aroma smells like roses. Well, let’s see who’s calling who a “clown” come November…

  17. dachmuse says:

    Tax that Big Biat–‘s Culo! They did Tex dirty, get biblical on those creeps!

    1. JK says:

      I’m afraid not, dach. Burnett grooved it to Ortiz, among many.

  18. Paul D. says:

    i don’t know. maybe i’m a little slow on the uptake there, karen. but just what in the blue f@#% does that have to do with anything? this guy jobaisafatpig has social and maybe some psychological issues that go beyond a layman’s arc of comprehension. it’s some deep seated stuff that can only be handled by a professional. my point was that, sure, the game has passion and should have. but that is neither here nor there. this is not the forum to regurgitate hate and slander.

    1. jeter is a tax cheater says:

      Maybe he/she is a Red Sox fan living in Yankee country. Tired of Yankee fans thinking that after winning the first game of the season, they are going to be World Series champions. The Yankee fans were very quiet today!

    2. JK says:

      See what I mean, Paul? You can’t win. Ever.

      And with all due respect, Karen, your comment was a complete non-sequitur. What does Lou Gehrig have to do with any of this? And are you using the quintessential Yankee to defend the Red Sox? Bizarre, at best.

      And you must love when people question the maturity of Yankees fans while hiding behind a handle “jeter is a tax cheater.” Yeah, really persuasive, dude. You’re clearly objective.

  19. karen s says:

    “the ballplayer who loses his head, who can’t keep his cool, is worse than no ballplayer at all.” – lou gehrig. lou gehrig, truly the pride of the yankees. take a lesson from a great man & a great athlete.

  20. Paul D. says:

    oh, man. what is it with the venom and vitriol. if any of you had ever been abused as children, my heart goes out to you. we’re talking about a game here. you wanna bring up history then you’re bad salesmen. you can’t win that one. not within the last century or so anyway. cut out all the caffiene immediately and go see your girlfriends, work out some of that aggression..

    1. JK says:

      You can’t win with some folks, Paul. You and I had a civil disagreement, knowing that neither of us can be right or wrong in subjective matters. Others trade in insults or, as you say, venom and vitriol. At least we have each other!

  21. Jobaisafatpig says:

    Joba is a fat pig and his mother smokes crack

  22. Jobaisafatpig says:

    As for pushing down a old man, He should have knocked his false teeth time stay in the dugout and don’t run at anybody and think you can get away with it you old sob. And as for general george has he stopped spitting oatmeal the crazy old coot

  23. Jobaisafatpig says:

    It was all o.k when white trash son of a crackhead joba is throwing time and again at Kevin you kill us. but when Tex gets it you all cry. And as for Ortiz, you don’t like get him out that’s all

  24. Jojo says:

    Can’t beat the Sox, so you have to whine and plunk? Pathetic.

    1. JK says:

      Can’t beat them? 27 rings to 2 over the last 90 years. And it is Boston who is doing all the drilling, not the Yankees. I merely suggested that New York protect their players. But it’s hard to hear me over your Manny Ramirez Snuggie.

      1. Jojo says:

        See, you just keep living in the past (and even before you were born). Pedro’s been gone a long time, so get over it. There was no intent with Lester, so it’s a non-issue. Don’t get your Joba Snuggie all in a wad.

  25. Shawn Christensen says:


  26. Omar says:

    I agree with you wholehartedly. Drill him in the ribs in his first at bat tonight and dare him to charge the mound. If he keeps staring at the pitcher, hit him again until the umps issue a warning to both benches. At least the Sux won’t be able to retaliate unless they want to see their pitcher and manager get tossed.

    1. JK says:

      Preach it, Omar. Preach!

  27. Paul D. says:

    Now youse talkin’ my language!

    1. JK says:

      Word up, people! Please tell me why we understand this, yet the men making millions to make these decisions (Girardi, Cashman, etc) don’t?

  28. Tara Roebke Barbato says:

    Since when do the Yankees politely allow the Red Sox to step into their house and feel at ease slugging away? I agree.. Pitch to these fools!! One is left with the impression that Yankees offense, particularly the pitchers, are walking on eggshells. I would much rather see a hard fought loss than wimpy pitching around these Red Sox batters. If that means a few batters go down (agreed, avoiding the noggin), then so be it. Just pitch and play like the New York Yankees! That is all any of us can ask for!

  29. Paul D. says:

    Yeah, but you have to look at it this way. It’s Texiera for Gonzalez. Fair trade. He’s their best player, just like Tex is for the Yankees. And with every respect to your contention, this isn’t 2004. Hitting Papi would be tanatamount to, say, pushing down an old man. Wait a minute… what does that remind me of?

    1. JK says:

      Heh. Pedro body-slamming Don Zimmer, perhaps? I dig what you’re saying, bud. I really do. But Gonzalez isn’t even a member of the rivalry yet. And Ortiz’s showboating last night was so blatant he has to take one in the ribs. Hell, who’s to say we can’t drill both?

  30. pughpah says:

    Haw haw haw…drill his fat arse, uh…haw haw haw- A ite then. Joe did any of the
    Yanks have your read this…he hee heee let’s doodit! Hey J did you see da super
    eight battle last week. So who do you think will win, do you think Ward can pull it

    1. JK says:

      Which fight in particular in the Super Eight? Last fight I saw, I think, was Hopkins – Pascal.

  31. Paul D. says:

    Never mind the bullocks. Hit Gonzalez.

    1. JK says:

      With all due respect, Paul, Ortiz is the one who’s been doing this to the Yanks for years. He’s the face of that franchise and he needs to go down. Without hitting his head, of course.

  32. JK says:

    Brevity. I love it. Thanks, Johnny.

  33. Johnny says:

    In a word… YES!!!!

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