Nina In New York: Driving Blind
A young professional's take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
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By Nina Pajak
I am the first to admit it: I am not a good driver. I started out your average teenager, thrilled with my newfound independence, and imbued with an overdeveloped sense of ability, an underdeveloped sense of mortality, and a general confidence in the idea that "everything is fiiiiine." Over time, I've become a nervous Nelly, handicapped by an extreme lack of confidence in my skill, a hyper-developed fear of mortality, and a deeply rooted mistrust for every other driver and force of nature around me. Lucky for everyone, I don't get behind the wheel very often.
Naturally, I am not the only bad driver out there. We all know too well just how many there really are. In fact, I think the official statistic is: most of them. It's just the way it is. We all take the practical test, and somehow we all manage to pass (on the first try, thankyouverymuch). At varying points after that, things tend to go downhill, but that's not our problem because we never have to drive that course again.
The only test we do have to retake in order to maintain our status as licensed drivers is the eye exam. A simple eye exam. Which a person could theoretically cheat on by just listening to the answers of the people ahead of them in line. If you can't pass that test, even if you passed it at the age of 16, you unequivocally do not belong on the road. It is the absolute lowest standard which everyone must meet who wishes to operate heavy machinery.
Of course nobody likes to go to the DMV. It is a terrible pit of despair from which many return a shade, a ghostly shadow of what they once were. It is a place where time doesn't just stop, it's violently sucked out of the room. A place that will reach into your mouth and pull out your soul and stomp on it and dig it into the concrete floor with its heel until you give up on your faith in humanity and justice and the compassion of others and become convinced that we live in a dull, ugly, and hopelessly cold-hearted world.
But I never really thought that the eye exam was the driving force behind all that. In fact, it's probably the only exercise enforced at the DMV which makes some practical sense. Why do I have to get in this line when I was already in that line? Uh, because you do. Why do I have to go home and come back with a different form when I filled out all these other forms? It's complicated. Why must I wait for seven hours when that window lady is clearly showing pictures of her cat to that other window lady? Don't ask questions or it's the gulag for you.
Why do I have to take this eye exam? Oh, because we find it's best to make sure that people behind the wheel of a potentially deadly weapon can see four feet in front of them in a brightly-lit room.
I can live with that!
I can't begin to enumerate the other problems which might be addressed in order to streamline the system and cut down on waiting time. For all of us who have ever been to the DMV, it's just too obvious even to discuss.
For now let's just say: Heeeey, Governor Cuomo and staff, thank you for thinking of us! We appreciate the effort, really. It hasn't gone unnoticed. And you know, good try. Don't feel bad. Your hearts are in the right place. But maybe let's spitball around some more ideas before we commit to this one. Back to the drawing board with you, now. I think that if you think about it just a little harder, you might realize you're missing some key elements here. That's all the hints I'll give you. You can do this, I know you can. Go get 'em, guys.
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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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