Nina In New York: Cheers To Gender Equality

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

A new report in The American Journal of Public Health has found that the female binge drinking rate has increased significantly over the past ten years, leading researchers to worry that women may be "catching up" with our can-crushing male counterparts.

To them I say: Oh, chill out. You should be congratulating us!

We've simply crashed through yet another glass ceiling. I mean that literally, I hope no one's pissed. Buh like whatever, wherrd that thing come frommanyway? It seriously wasn't there like a min ago, you guys. Like, uch, I mean. Eeew, ooow! OH MY GOD I'M BLEEDING CALL A HOSPITAL! Ssssstupid glass stupid ceiling, my dad's a lawyer we'll shoe you! I meant shoe you. I mean SUE you godomigod fine whatever I'm starving holy crap you guys LET'S GET GYROS.

Besides, the study defined "binge drinking" as more than four drinks per woman in one sitting, and five drinks per man. Psht. So, like, Wednesday? Come on, scientists. We're fast proving that we can sit with the big boys at the bar, so go ahead and give us the same booze threshold. We can do this, ladies. Take a deep breath, run around the block, and eat some more gosh darn nachos. We're equal to any man in anything we endeavor.

Yes, yes, drinking can be a dangerous and insidious problem. But I honestly do see this as a positive and expected development in our society. As women become more powerful and are increasingly living lives that more equally mirror those of men, our social activities—and social diseases—would naturally begin to align with theirs too. Now we're out with everyone after work. Now we're stressed out and slaving away around-the-clock and can't wait to let loose on Saturday night in a manner which may lead to various inappropriate or mildly felonious behavior. More women are having kids later, leading to more good years of excessive partying when we would have otherwise been barefoot and alone in the kitchen, binge drinking in secret. Men don't own anything but their junk anymore! Get it? They don't even own public urination citations these days. You know that when we're catching up on all the crappy stuff that once belonged to "a man's world," we've got to be hot on their heels to the finish line.

So drink up, ladies. And ignore those new calorie counts for alcoholic beverages that are about to show up on some menus. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!