Nina In New York: I'll Show You Mine If You'll Show Me Yours (Diet Plan, That Is)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Sometimes, we struggle with a problem endlessly when the solution is as plain as the prominent nose on my face.

Have you ever had trouble sticking to a diet? If you answered "no," get out of here. Seriously, just go. We don't want you here. You're either a liar or a genetic mutant and either way, you don't need us and we don't need you. Go live your diet-free/nutritionally-balanced, well-adjusted life and move along.

Now that we're alone, I'll go on. Researchers have published a study that concludes that people are more likely to successfully stick to diets when the rules are set forth by someone else, rather than being of their own making.

But of course! Mais oui! I'm not trying to be sarcastic, for once. I truly don't think this idea would have been obvious to lay people who are struggling to come up with and adhere to a weight-loss strategy. It's incredibly difficult and overwhelming. And the hardest part of all is how terribly we all get in our own way. My diets are always beautiful on paper: stringent but just this side of reasonable, nutritionally balanced, appropriately tedious. But then, I'm the architect of the plan. Which means I'm in charge, right? So, maybe there's no one to tell me which day can be my cheat day. And maybe I cheat on Monday because that ensures that I'll be super good all week, only on Wednesday I realize that making hump day my cheat window makes more strategic sense. And then of course, if I try not to bend on Friday I'll just be setting myself up to fail, right? And besides, by Saturday I've completely earned the right to treat myself a little. Plus I changed my mind, I can have carbs as long as I have them before noon. Before four. Before eight. I can have as much wine as I want if I worked out today or yesterday or two days ago if I'm still really sore. Can't I? Plus, you can't have wine without cheese, guys. Who ever got fat on cheese? Cheese is life blood! Cheese is manna from heaven! Europeans mainline this stuff and THEY'RE not fat! That settles it: from now on, I'm not dieting. I'm just going to eat like a French woman who sometimes prefers baked ziti.

It's not so much a slippery slope as just a giant, deadly mudslide. My diet just fell into the ocean, along with yours. And yours. And yours. And—get back here!—and yours, too. Time to face facts.

On the other hand, if someone else hands me a set of instructions, I am entering into some sort of morally binding agreement. I am answering to another person. Perhaps this is even someone I'm paying, although that matters less. I must be honest. I must show them proof of my success. Of our success. I must not fail them. They must not judge me. I must not allow them to see how undisciplined and ineffectual I am naturally inclined to be. I must fake it until I've got them all fooled, including myself! And—oh hey, look at that. I lost five pounds. Well. Whaddya know?

It simply makes sense. Now all we need to do is come up with a fully realized weight loss system that employs this theory. Perhaps a Weight Watchers model that relies less on mutual support and more on mutual enforcement and dictation. Don't tell me I'm doing great, tell me I'm not allowed to eat unrefined carbohydrates 28 days out of the month! Tell me I need to give up cold sesame noodles. Come up with the diet plan you'd give yourself if you were capable of carrying out such a thing, and then give it to me. I'll give you mine. We'll go tradesies. No backsies. No backsides. NOBODY STEAL THIS IDEA.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!