Nina In New York: A Series Of Flu Season Memos From Your Child's School
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
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Date sent: January 4, 11:43 A
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Coxsackie virus
A child in the school was diagnosed with the Coxsackie virus. If your child is showing symptoms such as fever, poor appetite, or any type of rash or blisters near the mouth, feet or hands, please contact your child's pediatrician. Further information can be found on the New York State Department of Health website. If you have any questions, feel free to contact us at (XXX) XXX-XXXX.
Best wishes,
Your friendly nursery program director
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Date sent: January 4, 3:23 PM
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Impetigo
A child in the school was diagnosed with the communicable skin condition, Impetigo. If your child has red sores around the nose and mouth, which later rupture and ooze for a few days and then form a yellowish-brown crust, please contact your pediatrician. More information can be found on the American Academy of Pediatrics website under the subcategory, "So You Have A Filthy Child." If you have any questions, please give me a call.
Fondest regards,
Nursery Director
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Date sent: January 6, 4:17 AM
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Avian Flu
It has come to our attention that a child in the school has been exposed to the H5N1 flu, more commonly known as Avian or Bird Flu. While this virus is extremely rare in people, it is also highly communicable. Please be on the lookout for signs ranging from flu-like symptoms, to conjunctivitis to acute respiratory distress, to severe vomiting and diarrhea, to massive organ failure. More information can be found at the Center for Disease Control website under the subcategory, "Are You Freaking Kidding Me?"
In unrelated news, we are indefinitely suspending our popular "Early Learning Pigeon Hospital" after-school program.
Also unrelated, our phones will be shut off for maintenance until further notice. Email me with questions, I guess.
I remain your ever faithful and humble servant, etcetera, etcetera,
ND
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Date sent: January 7, 1:30 PM
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Water Elf Disease
We've recently been made aware that a child in the school is suspected to have been infected with Water Elf Disease. Not seen since the Middle Ages, it is thought to be caused by "a witch's stab." If your child displays symptoms like blackened fingernails, watery eyes, and sores, consider soaking him or her in ale while singing two magic songs in a particular order, repeatedly. For more information, and to get the correct lyrics and instructions for the healing chants, consult some random wizardry/Ren Fair blogs online. Do not contact me for any reason.
Peace.
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Date sent: January 10, 6:01 PM
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Don't forget!
Don't forget to donate to our New Year school fundraiser! If you'd like to contribute an item to Friday's bake sale, please contact Kim F. (daughter Sadie, 4's and son Freddie, 2's). ASAP!
Regards,
Nursery Director
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Date sent: January 10, 9:08 PM
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Fin rot
A child in the school has contracted fin rot. This is the first known case in a human being and is not thought to be contagious. However, if your child spontaneously sprouts fins which then turn brown, develop spots, or fall off completely, please consult your nearest aquarium.
Holla back,
Me
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Date sent: January 11, 7:00 AM
From: Preschool administration
To: All parents
Re: Clampox
The sibling of a child at the school has come down with a case of Clampox. Named for Lord Herbert Clam, the disease is not connected to shellfish handling or consumption (contrary to popular belief). If your child experiences symptoms such as fever, vomiting, oozing rash, boils, oozing boils, boiling rash, fits of maniacal laughter, hypnotic powers, webbed toes, or swamp tongue, please contact your family's infectious disease specialist. For more information, call the Pope. How should I know?
Stay warm out there!
The Management
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Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
