Nina In New York: Here's What You Should Do With United's New (Old) Family Pre-Boarding Policy

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

Big news this week. Huge. YUGE. Bigger than big-hips Barbie, even. United Airlines is now allowing families traveling with children under age two to board before its first class and elite passengers.

Oh, also something about the Iowa caucuses or whatever. Moving on.

First comes people who are elderly or physically disabled, then active duty military, then those poor fools with the kids who spent their time at the gate leaping on chairs and licking the windows. I know, I know. You were hoping they were just waiting at the wrong door, right? Ha. Better luck next time, friend. I know that United thinks they're doing something really nice, although they'd apparently revoked this privilege four years ago, which wasn't so nice (also not unusual, it seems). But even setting that aside, I am here to offer a counterpoint to all the parents who are stuck flying United who feel ready to leap at the chance to board early.

I'm telling you: don't do it.

Stay with me here. Yes, you need a little extra time to get your kid settled, locate and remove all of the various snacks and entertainment items from your carry-on, going to the lavatory for a potty visit/diaper change, etcetera, etcetera. But here's the reality: you're about to be trapped in a metal tube in the sky for any number of hours with your baby/toddler. Maybe you're nursing an infant. Maybe you're attempting to quiet an energetic walker. No matter what you're doing, there's no way that doing it on an airplane will be preferable to doing it in the wide open space that the gate provides. So why would you want to spend twenty extra minutes in your cramped seat? In twenty minutes, your child could cycle through at least five of your planned, in-flight diversions! And besides, you know that your sweet child is going to wait until wheels up to poop, anyway. There's just no fighting it.

If you're traveling alone and need to set up and wrangle a baby at the same time, by all means get on that plane ASAP. But if you've got someone with you, steal our family's strategy instead. One person boards early, using the "young children" rule. But surprise! That person will not be in possession of a child! Ha ha, loophole! He or she will, instead, be lugging the car seat, stroller, and whatever other accoutrements you have deemed necessary for surviving a flight with your offspring. This advance man, so to speak, will spend the bonus time getting everything squared away while you let your kid get in one more lap around the terminal. Then you get in line with the rest of the plebes and board as late as you possibly can without risking compromising your entire flight's departure time. You sit, kid poops, you do a fast change, you sit again, and before you know it you're in the air. Or, you know, waiting on the runway for 45 minutes with the doors sealed shut. Either way, you're going to be glad you did it this way.

And so will your neighbors, when your kid hopefully makes up that extra twenty minutes of freedom sitting quiet and still, the very image of the perfect young traveler. Of course, after that window, all bets are off. There's only so much help I can offer.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!