Nina In New York: Replacing Water Pitcher Filters Is For Suckers

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

We're riding the crest of the wave of the future, the future is now, yadda yadda yadda we've discussed this all at length. We're smarter than ever! Or at least, even if we're getting dumber (which we are), our possessions are picking up our slack. We've got smartphones, smart cars, smart houses, smart glasses, smart farts. And next up: the smart Brita filter pitcher.

Ah, the sentient water pitcher! It may seem superfluous, but it is, in fact, the very pinnacle of technological achievement! Our military is still working on perfecting its free-range robot hellhounds, and we've yet to colonize Mars or cure cancer or even Herpes, and our flu vaccines are still ineffective and we're about to nominate a man for president who freely and unapologetically admires Mussolini quotes. But if we've already gotten around to creating artificially intelligent kitchenware, then we know that we must be close to true, soaring greatness.

This particular Frankenstein monster of the new millennium is a collaboration between Amazon and Brita. The pitcher is wi-fi enabled, naturally, and will not only be able to alert its owner to the filter needing a replacement, but it will actually place an Amazon order for replacement filters all on its own. It's like having your very own robot butler, only it is a robot butler that is only in charge of one single, particularly non-urgent household task. But still! It's something. Maybe it's even everything.

What if all of our items gained a level of awareness that would prevent us from ever having to worry about shopping for their replacements? There are refrigerators that can warn you if you're low on certain items and transmit that information to your phone -- it's only a matter of time before they're taking the liberty of logging on to your Prime account. What if your self-driving car could override your GPS directions and send you directly to the nearest gas station, do not pass Go, do not collect $200? What about a washing machine that senses how many loads you've done and can take a decent guess as to when you'll start to run out of detergent? Or a toilet that knows when you're dangerously in need of TP? One might never again sit down to that dreaded, empty roll!

The very fabric of life may be changing before our eyes and we don't even realize it! Our children may never know a world in which a person needs to make handwritten shopping lists and subsequently remember to put said lists in her purse in order to successfully complete an errand run. Perhaps errands themselves will become obsolete! What will they do with all that free time? How will they justify their trips to the Duane Reads that will no doubt exclusively line every block in this city by the time they are grown? How will they kill time while they're waiting for a dinner date, or while their kids are in school? How will they justify a vague need to spend money without blatantly and wantonly shopping for frivolous, self-serving items? Perhaps they will fill the void created by all the smart technology around them taking care of the quotidien by using their advanced brains to create more fabulous and new ways to avoid further hours of tedium. Self-applying makeup. Autofill homework. Self-flushing toilets! Oh, wait.

My god, it's been happening for years. We're so much closer than I'd even imagined. Run, run to Duane Reade. Before Duane Reade figures out how to run to you.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!