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CBS New York Exclusive: The Bronx Zoo Cobra Ssssspeaks

Cobra Takes Dig At Charlie Sheen, Details Her Escapades
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Photo Of Egyptian Cobra (Wildlife Conservation Society/Bronx Zoo)

Photo Of Egyptian Cobra (Wildlife Conservation Society/Bronx Zoo)

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NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) – She’s captured the affection of thousands, perhaps millions, across the globe, and now CBSNewYork.com has the exclusive interview with her that you won’t find anywhere else.

The mischievous cobra that escaped her Bronx Zoo home last week became a cult hero in days. An outpouring of excitement and sympathy for the fugitive serpent quickly followed her, leading to worldwide rallies where angry protesters called upon zoo officials to free the cobra for good.

Following her capture Thursday, CBSNewYork hired a cobra whisperer to summon the snake for an interview, and to our surprise and delight, our wish was granted.

Here’s the entire interview, as interpreted by our resident cobra whisperer:

CBSNY: First of all, congratulations on all the newfound success. You’ve managed to outshine Charlie Sheen for your escapades. How have you enjoyed being in the spotlight?

Cobra: Thank you, reporter. And first I’d like to start out by saying if I’ve proven anything these last few days, it’s that cobra blood is greater than tiger blood. Tiger blood is weak, and I feed on it. Sorry, Charlie.

As for your question, reporter, well I hate light. But, I must say the amount of support I’ve received has been wonderful, yet shocking. I’m a cobra, not a pony. I didn’t think this kind of attention happened for my kind.

CBSNY: Let’s go back to last Friday when you made the escape. Why did you do it?

Cobra: Why? Does a struggling actor in the East Village enjoy sleeping in a dingy, 200-square-foot studio every night eating Combos and Bugles? Probably not. I liken myself to an artist trying to make it in this big world. I’ve seen the rats that roam these streets. I’ve smelled the steam that rises from the sewers. It reeks of sexy and delicious. You think I don’t want that? Cobras dream big too. The Bronx Zoo is lovely, but I need more than Combos and Bugles, baby.

Honestly, though, it was only considered an escape because I didn’t make it back inside before morning. I’ve been going in and out of there every night for months.

CBSNY: You were found in the corner of the reptile house. Is that where you hid?

Cobra: No, of course not, silly reporter. I did my fair share of tourist activities. The Disney Store in Times Square, Susan Sarandon’s ping pong club, Chinatown, Shoemania, H&M, places I’ve only seen shopping bags for when people come see me at the zoo.

CBSNY: So why did you come back?

Cobra: I attended the Inner Circle show the other night. I saw Mayor Bloomberg harnessed up in those Spider-Man pajamas. I was traumatized. I needed to go somewhere safe, somewhere familiar. It was the only place I could think of.

CBSNY: What was your favorite spot that you visited during your time out?

Cobra: I slithered up to Bernie Madoff’s old apartment. There’s no question that place was truly built for a giant, venomous snake.

CBSNY: What was your least favorite spot?

Cobra: The Shake Shack. Should be called the Snake Shack with those ridiculously long, windy lines. Waiting that long for meat is criminal.

CBSNY: I think a lot of people were surprised to learn you are actually female.

Cobra: Can you imagine what they’re thinking about the fact that I can talk?

CBSNY: What’s next for you?

Cobra: Well, I’m currently working on a book deal. I’ve offered my memoirs to Penguin, but they didn’t bite.

CBSNY: That’s surprising.

Cobra: Yes, I asked for a pen of delicious penguin chicks and a lifetime supply of their eggs as payment, since your paper notes don’t suit me. That didn’t go over with them well, apparently.

CBSNY: Any plans for a movie? TV show?

Cobra: Certainly. It’s clear that I’d be a suitable replacement for Charlie on “Two & A Half Men.” But then they’d have to change the title to “Cobra & One & A Half Men.” I’ve spoken with Quentin Tarantino about a movie series. I’ve penned a script, “Karate Kid: The Rise Of The Cobra Kai Dojo,” where Ralph Macchio’s character dies, painfully, finally. Oh, and Showtime is looking to bring me into “Californication” next season, but I don’t do nudity.

CBSNY: Aren’t you always naked?

Cobra: Silence! Don’t undermine me, reporter.

CBSNY: Do you plan to escape again?

Cobra: Yes, when the Mets are watchable again. [laughs] Seriously though, when the time is right, when the time is right, I’ll make my return. I tasted pigeon during my time out, and I want more. But if that Bloomberg character finds a way to get a fourth term, I’ll wait. I’m still shedding my skin over his Spider-Mike bit.

CBSNY: Our political junkies want to know what party you support.

Cobra: I’ll let them decide which party is full of more snakes. I side with that one.

CBSNY: Any last words for your fans around the world?

Cobra: Thank you all, from the bottom of my fangs. I love you, especially your young. Hugs and hisses!

 

April Fool’s from CBSNewYork.com!

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