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Nina In New York: Sexting Will Get You Nowhere

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Photo allegedly of Anthony Weiner's penis on Andrew Breitbart's iPhone (credit: Twitter) (Altered due to graphic nature)

Photo allegedly of Anthony Weiner’s penis on Andrew Breitbart’s iPhone (credit: Twitter) (Altered due to graphic nature)

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A young professional’s take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
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By Nina Pajak

What is with the sexting, guys?

After reading Rep. Weiner’s newly released sexts between him and one of his ladies, I have come to the firm conclusion that nobody, no matter how intelligent, well-spoken or sexy you are, can ever come across as anything but a total doofus in a sext. Tiger Woods was the most seductive man since Wilt Chamberlain until his sexts got released, and then we all discovered what a total jackarse he was (not to mention a terrible speller).

And now look at this:

Weiss: i think u r so totally hot and u r lucky i don’t have your number right now…

Weiner: how did i miss this chance to rock your world by phone? give me another chance! stalk me baby, very hot.

Then…

Weiss: where are you you hot congressman? let’s have some fb sex?

Weiner: hey sexy baby. i miss you.

And finally…

Weiss: I love that you are always (expletive) when I talk to you

Weiner: I’m horny a lot. sorry

Doofus, right? Also, what in the world is “fb sex?” I assume “fb” is being used as the standard shorthand for Facebook, which clarifies nothing at all. Kids these days, with their lingo and their rock music and their social media sex.

Stuff like this just layers humiliation upon humiliation. And what is the appeal? Is it simply yet another mode of virtual sex for those who are already obsessed, or does it hold some unique appeal? For the life of me, I cannot figure out what is exciting about straining over a tiny screen, punching tiny keys with your thumbs at a rate that’s at least three times as slow as actually typing and infinitely slower than actually talking. Plus—and perhaps this is just me—I find texting shorthand to be annoying at best and infuriating at worst. All those “ur”s and “FML”s and “LOL”s just make me wanna…idk. Srsly, tho, WTF? People have the potential to say some very foolish things when they’re attempting to dirty talk, and all sexting does is immortalize that foolishness and dumb down the delivery. Not. Smart. There is almost no way to sext without sounding a little bit like a dumb teenager. At least teenagers are supposed to be dumb. Dudes, just stop it.

Photo Slideshows: 12 Infamous ‘I’m Sorry’ Speeches | Notorious Political Sex Scandals

This sort of segues into another issue with which I’ve been struggling. Twitter, webcams, texting, fb sex, all of these are relatively new options available to today’s freaky, sexually starved politician. But what would a guy like Weiner have done twenty years ago? What would any of these men have done, really? BTW, I’m using Weiner because he is the most convenient example, but we all know it’s not just him. Would they be compelled to do more risky things, like—wait for it—have actual sex with other women, rather than just sxting abt it? Would they be taking Polaroids of their pecs and writing dirty letters and sending them in the mail, or breathing heavily into the phone? Would they be sitting in X-rated movie theaters or trolling the corners late at night? Or would they just be faithful husbands who simply let their minds wander when a pretty woman crosses their paths? I think it’s entirely possible that these men as we know them only exist because the technology exists, too. Its draw is clearly undeniable, and none of these otherwise intelligent guys seem to give much weight to the fact that it also increases their chances of getting busted exponentially. The perils are almost completely unavoidable, and yet they cannot help themselves.

A wiener to a webcam, like a moth to a flame. It seems almost unfair.

Seems.

Almost.

(It isn’t.)

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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.

Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.

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