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Nina In New York: People Are The Worst

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Bodybuilder, actor, businessman, and Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California in 2003.

Bodybuilder, actor, businessman, and Republican, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California in 2003.

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A young professional’s take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.

Welcome to summer! I hope everyone had a relaxing and seasonally-appropriate weekend. I got my 2011 inaugural blotchy sunburn, which really makes things feel official.

Meanwhile, life goes on. This has been a bad couple of weeks for bad men. Poor guys. Here they are being persecuted (and prosecuted). What did they do to deserve this rough treatment? Let’s take a look back at three heart-wrenching tales of woe.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Oh, Ah-nold. Why’d you have to do it? Why’d you have to go and shtup the maid and knock her up at almost precisely the same time you knocked up your wife? I would think a man who has subjected himself to the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy and childbirth would have more respect for women, but apparently your experiences in “Junior” taught you nothing. This whole episode really casts that documentary in a new light. Of course, now other women are coming out of the woodwork claiming you shtupped them too. But pay them no mind—they’re just sharks who smell blood in the water. They’ve probably been waiting to pounce on an opportunity like this since you shtupped and impregnated them. You need all this like a hole in the head, but to top it all off you’ve got to contend with that busybody Jane Seymour and her big mouth, claiming to know about other love children. Are you his prairie OB/GYN, Dr. Quinn? No, I didn’t think so. Leave The Sperminator alone. Oh, also, I totally thought I was the first one to come up with “The Sperminator” but it seems as though many people beat me to it, which makes this whole story doubly tragic for me. It’s just all very sad. There was a time when political figures and wealthy men could father illegitimate children and buy their baby mamas houses and keep them employed under the same roof where they sleep with their wives and everyone just had to deal with it. Now they have to be all sorry and junk.

Then we have poor Tiki Barber, who left his pregnant wife for a 23-year old former intern/fake babysitter named Traci. It’s every man’s right to leave the mother of his children for a chick whose name ends in an “i”, is it not? I mean, Mrs. Barber was super old already—like 35! Anyway, you know those media vultures, always going after a guy when he’s down. So to avoid unfairly bad press, the Tikster was forced to hide away in his Jewish agent’s attic, living off of scarce rations and spending months in cramped solitude. Every creak and bang of the door made him fear for his life, wonder if today would be the day the Page Six reporters would come to take him away. To pass the time, he kept a diary into which he poured his innermost thoughts, his tender heart and soul. And despite the evil, the hatred and the fear he faced daily, Tiki never lost his faith in all that is still good in the world. Despite the unspeakable horrors he was forced to survive, his is a story of hope. He is an inspiration and an emblem of the resilience of the human spirit. I mean, those are his words, not mine. That is what he said, isn’t it?

Finally, there is l’Empereur de bad behavior, Monsieur Dominique Strauss-Kahn, or DSK as he is affectionately known. Life just got pretty tough for this dude. Okay, so he allegedly jumped and sexually assaulted a defenseless chambermaid in his hotel. Then he allegedly tried to high-tail it outta New York on his jet, back to mother France where his wife and mistresses were waiting. Who can blame him? That’s a place where a woman knows what to do when a powerful man leaps out of the bathroom and starts chasing you around the bed. Now after enduring the humiliation wrought upon him by Mayor Bloomberg, the NYPD and the New York press (not to mention whatever went down at Rikers), DSK has been subjected to an even more demoralizing experience: searching for a suitable apartment in Manhattan. You would not believe how hard it was for Monsieur and Madame to find a place! I mean, the kitchens are tiny, it’s tough to find a good view, and I’m guessing they want a full-service building. And while it already takes a miracle to marry price, location, quality AND space, the Strauss-Kahns had the added challenge of finding a home that is alleged-sex-offender-friendly and isn’t overrun with paparazzi and reporters. Tough, tough, tough. I wouldn’t want to be that guy’s realtor!

Yes, the world can be a ruthless place for terrible narcissists. We can only hope that with the good weather come the winds of justice for these pitiable, misunderstood men.

Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.

Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.

The Nina Archives:

If You Have To Ask…Don’t

Blame It On The Rain

What A Week!

This Place Is A Zoo

Things Can’t Be All Bad

Where’s Oda Mae Brown When You Need Her?

Never Was I More Disturbed To Say ‘I (Sorta) Told You So.’

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