A young professional’s take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
By Nina Pajak
Do you ever wake up to find yourself feeling sad that you can’t eat a Taco Bell Chalupa or a Gordita Supreme® to get the day started off right? What goes better with a newspaper and a cup of coffee than an XXL Grilled Stuft (sic) burrito or a taco that tastes like Doritos® before heading into work to monopolize the bathroom for a couple of hours and then take a nap? And who needs Fourthmeal® if you can’t satisfy all of the first three “outside the bun?” #Lame #Wrong (I’m into Twitter lately—catch me before I’ve lost interest!)
Now, for those times when a Big Mac on a Croissan’wich™ between sweeeeet griddle cakes just won’t cut it, Taco Bell is finally offering breakfast! Or, as they have rebranded it, Firstmeal(®, I’m assuming).
I actually prefer this new nomenclature, as it really sheds old-fashioned, oppressive and overly structured societal feeding norms and leaves open endless possibilities for dozens more meals in a day. Just think about it! There can be fifthmeal, and sixthmeal, and cornmeal, and valuemeal, and twelfthmeal, and thisdoesn’tcountmeal, and snackwrapawesomesupremecheeseburgerfatmeal, and bedmeal, which is eaten at the precise moment you are drifting off to sleep. You know, to keep your metabolism running through the night. Otherwise you might start to gain weight.
They’ve partnered with all sorts of real foodstuffs brands, like Cinnabon, Johnsonville, Tropicana and Seattle’s Best Coffee. And I must say, the offerings look terrific. There are, of course, several variations on the ever-popular breakfast burrito, and a particularly promising sausage & egg wrap which appears to be in a tortilla and covered in that fake liquid nacho cheez you find in hockey rinks and movie theaters and truck stops. I’d always felt that substance was sorely underused pre-10AM. For those who prefer to keep it sweet before secondmeal, they’ve also got Cinnabon delights, which to my eye are some sort of cinnabun-churro-donut-creme-stuffed-pancake calorie bomb. Guess how many I can fit in my mouth at once! I’ve never tried, but I’m going to say four.
Here’s a question, not exactly on the topic: why do you suppose it is that fast food menu items must always be spelled incorrectly and involve, shall we say, inventive grammar? Maybe misplaced apostrophes are more appetizing. I have to assume they research all of these decisions to death.
Speaking of which, it’s time for ninthmeal, otherwise known as gorditameal, otherwise known as breakfast #4, or lunch #2 depending on when I wake up and whether I was able to fit in ambieninducedsonambulistmeal. It’s a complicated system, but we’ll get used to it.
Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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