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Nina In New York: From Joey Potter To Mrs. Cruise, The Roles Of A Lifetime

(Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

(Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.
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By Nina Pajak

I was going to write about health care or Tweeting aliens or male birth control or the NBA draft (ha ha, no, not really). But then the bombshell hit: TomKat, otherwise and henceforth known as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, have filed for divorce.

What!

This calls into question everything I thought I knew about love, marriage, Scientology, inappropriate and psychotic public expressions of affection, and marriages of professional convenience. Did the couch mean nothing to you, Katie? I mean, Oprah had to get it steam-cleaned and everything after Tom stomped all over it with his enthusiasm and his shoes and his creepy, extremely genuine, not at all compensating for anything totally normal proclamations of love.

Poor Oprah.

I won’t say anything negative or defamatory about Scientology, because I don’t want to get sued every day for the rest of my pathetic little life. But I will say that I have been eager to read Katie’s tell-all memoir since the very beginning, and I hope their non-disclosure agreement doesn’t extend too far into the future. My interest was piqued even more after Katie and I became friends, and by “became friends” I mean “walked past each other in a crosswalk one time six months ago while she was being hounded by paparazzi.” BFFL ever since.

PHOTOS: Celebrity Breakups | Tom & Katie Through The Years

Many people on the Twitter have been suggesting memoir titles for Katie, which is super sweet and helpful. Katie, when the time comes to sell your book, it will be good to save these in order to display pointed public interest and social media viral blahblahblah. Here are some of my faves:

@lexinyt: “Cruise-Control: The Katie Holmes Story”

@pilhofer: “You Cruise You Lose: The Katie Holmes Story”

@michaelroston: “Suri-l Times: A Childhood in Scientology” (Will probably need to be ghostwritten; hard-hitting pioneer in the young adult memoir category).

Or how about these?

“Tales From the Script: From Joey Potter to Mrs. Cruise, the Roles of a Lifetime”

“For the Record, I Wanted to Name Her Nancy”

“No More Tom-Foolery”

“Hey, Better Than Travolta or Sheen, Amiright?”

“Cruising for an Accident” (if she takes this in a dark direction; perhaps best reserved for the title of her inevitable Lifetime movie)

“My Dawson Is Still Out There”

What else ya got?

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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.

Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.

The Nina In New York Archives:

iGot One.

Finally, A Purpose For Cats On The Internet

Finally, Traveling In Style

I Scream, You Scream

ATM Error Gives New Meaning To Term ‘Dumb Luck’

The Dirtiest Thing In A Hotel Room Is…All Of The Things