Nina In New York: Apparently, Liquor Is Like Kryptonite To Bed Bugs
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.
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By Nina Pajak
According to new research reported in the New York Daily News, the presence of alcohol in a person's blood curbs the growth and egg production of feasting bed bugs. Turns out they're all teetotalers, and if they detect you've been hitting the sauce, they eat less.
Oh, Santa. You do exist!
A wonderful entomology Ph.D. candidate at the University of Nebraska by the name of Ralph Narain (aka. my hero) has just presented the results of his study at a conference on urban entomology in Atlanta. It turns out that bed bugs who fed on sober blood laid 44 eggs and doubled in size, while the ones who got inadvertently tooootally wasted only laid around twelve eggs and grew 12.5% on average.
More: Top Tips For Keeping Your Home Free Of Bed Bugs
Okay, sure, a dozen eggs is still much, much worse than zero, but it's way better than 44! For those like me who are deathly terrified of the suckers, we'll take any good news we can get. And for those like me who will use any excuse to treat herself to a glass (or three) of wine, well. This is like a little gift. A gift of validated—nay, encouraged!— self-medication. I won't lie: I've had to Pinot Noir myself to sleep on many a bug-phobic insomniac night. This news just means that instead of shame, I should feel vindicated! Or at least somewhat productive.
Maybe the bugs will evolve to learn to avoid we booze hounds entirely. They'll be able to smell it on our breath or through our pores, like little vampire insect highway cops or prohibition agents.
"This one smells like an after hours gin joint, fellas."
"Quick! To the Mormon family across the hall!"
I choose to creatively extrapolate Mr. Narain's findings to assume that the more alcohol I drink, the less bed bugs will want to invade every crevice of my home and devour me alive, bite by bite. Well, bugs. I have my marching orders, and I guess you'll really see what I'm made of now.
Wine, vodka, the occasional whiskey cocktail, and probably more wine. Bugs, prepare to gradually die off over time as a result of inhibited breeding.* Hopefully.
*Scientists say: no, no that's not at all how it works. Stupid scientists.
Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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